The Swimwear Hall of Infamy
The best of the worst
Pixabay and Unsplash, my usual photo go tos, have very few photos of males in swimsuits, and a huge lack of regular everyday ugly people in swimsuits. Unfortunately, in real life attractive swimwear is a rarity. Those sunglasses people wear at the beach? They’re there to shade one’s eyes from the onslaught of flesh.
So let’s dive right in, shall we?
An Australian who I met while travelling turned me on to this ad and its very clear delineation of when itty bitty bathers/budgie smugglers morph into underwear. Apparently, anywhere than 300m from the water’s edge is an underpants transformation area. It’s quite the exact science. The rules should probably be signposted at every beach.
Although if we’re really going to get serious about this, unless you’re about to swim the 200m butterfly at Olympic qualifiers, the Speedo-esque bathing suit has no place on the male body. Legions of European men might disagree, but I think it would be better all around if this was enshrined into law.
You can thank Sacha Baron Cohen’s character Borat for bringing this crime against humanity into public awareness. And while you might wish you could unsee this image, it will stick with you for the rest of your life. You’re welcome.
The strange print
Whether it’s bones, muscles, or chest hair, it belongs in your body, not on your swimwear. Who is sitting in the swimsuit company head office doing sketches, when suddenly they think eureka!?!? People should dress up as skeletons when they go to the beach! And if they find the skeleton of a beached whale or some other form of sea-going critter, they can get all cuddly together!
The side boob look
Side boob exposure works if you’re 20 and perky and things are staying put, which means either a B cup or less or plastic surgery. Twenty years and some extra weight later, and there’s no more side-boob. There is whole boob. Saggy whole boob, swinging around totally out of control. And there’s no possibility I could be referring to myself here… no, of course not!
Butt crack sand party
You know what’s uncomfortable? Sandy wet butt cheeks. You want to kick it up a notch? Have your swimsuit give you a wedgie. It will take weeks to wash all that sand out of various crevices. On the positive side, it’s exfoliation with no extra effort required.
Speaking of butt crack…
Let’s be civilized here for a moment and agree that on average, the female body is more aesthetically pleasing than the male body. The thong bathing suit is pushing it on a female. On a male? No, please no. The sunglasses that were previously mentioned? Those are to protect the eyes from the blinding glare of this dude’s butt cheeks.
There you have it folks, the hall of infamy. And I dare you not to scroll back up and check out the mankini one more time, because I know you want to…