The Haven
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The Haven

The Time Rob, the Squirrel Bounced His Rent Check

Rob the Squirrel

Rob, the Squirrel, was on the couch watching Maury when the phone rang. Rob, the Squirrel, was not expecting anyone to call, and the sound made him fall off the couch. Shaking himself off, he grabbed the cordless and answered.

“Hello, this is Rob the Squirrel.”

“Hey Rob, the Squirrel, it’s Earl the Bear, who is also your landlord. Just a reminder that your rent was due five days ago.”

“Hey, Earl the Bear, who is also my landlord. Yeah, sorry about that. I had that stomach bug that’s been going around — “ Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord, attempted to interject with a story about his wife, but Rob the Squirrel kept talking. “so I didn’t get a chance to mail it out. Is it okay if I come by your cave later today and drop off the check?”

“Thanks, Rob, the Squirrel. I’ll be going out with the missus, so if I’m not around, just put it under the rock that I also use as a pillow.”

“Sounds good. See you soon, Earl the Bear, who is also my landlord.” Rob, the Squirrel, hung up the phone and went back to watching a marathon of Maury. Ten hours later, he went to bed and had a blissful night of rest. The next morning his phone rang. Rob, the Squirrel, was not expecting a phone call and was so startled he fell out of bed. Dusting himself off, he grabbed the cordless and answered.

“Hello, this is Rob the Squirrel.”

“Hey, Rob the Squirrel, it’s Earl the Bear, who is also your landlord. I didn’t see you come by, and I don’t see a check under the rock that I also use as a pillow.”

“Oh yeah, sorry about that. I went to drop it off, but my Aunt Barbra needed me to help move her baby grand piano — “ Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord attempted to interject with a story about his Aunt Barbara, who spells her name with an extra “A” and how funny that is but Rob the Squirrel kept talking.

“and you know how my Aunt Barb is — can’t say no to that one!” Rob, the Squirrel, let out a fake laugh. Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord, made a sound that resembled a chuckle.

“Yeah, no problem. How about this? In an hour or so, I’ll be at Phil the Hippo’s to fix his toilet. After I get done with that, I’ll swing by and grab your check.” Rob, the Squirrel, was so thrown by the request that he fell off his couch. He licked his paws to smooth out his fur. “You okay, Rob the Squirrel? I thought I heard a crash.”

“I’m fine, Earl the Bear, who is also my landlord. Sure come over whenever you like.”

“See you soon.” Rob, the Squirrel, immediately threw up last night’s dinner. Then he ate the puke. After he finished eating the residue, he threw up again. After the second puke, he raced to and fro throughout his 800 square foot apartment. His bushy tail stood erect like a Mediterranean penis, and he chittered like a squirrel possessed.

*CHITTER CHITTER CHITTER*

*CHITTER CHITTER CHITTER*

What was he going to do? He didn’t have the rent, and he didn’t want to piss off Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord. Faced with no other option, Rob, the Squirrel, turned on the Netflix and spent two hours searching for something to watch. He was still scrolling when the doorbell rang. The chimes interrupted his trance, causing Rob the Squirrel to fall off the couch. Who the hell was ringing his doorbell? Then he remembered the conversation with Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord.

This wasn’t good.

He ran to and fro around the apartment like a mad squirrel, chittering like an enthusiastic waiter at a chain restaurant.

*CHITTER CHITTER CHITTER*

*CHITTER CHITTER CHITTER*

Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord, stood there patiently, listening to the racket happening on the other side of the door. “Rob the Squirrel you home? It’s Earl the Bear, who is also your landlord.”

“Yeah yeah, one second.” He was in the kitchen for the fourth time when he opened the trash and found a paper towel soaked in marinara sauce. Feeling confident about his decision, he grabbed the paper towel soaked in marinara sauce and a pen. Rob, the Squirrel, raced to the door and opened it up.

“Sorry about that. I was in the shitter. Here’s the check.” Rob the Squirrel handed over the paper towel soaked in marinara sauce that now contained some scribbling in between the stains to Earl the Bear, who also was his landlord. Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord took the paper towel soaked in marinara sauce that now contained some scribbling in between the stains and without looking down said,

“No worries. Thanks. See you next month.”

Three days later, there was a knock on his door. Rob the Squirrel had been in the backyard burying and reburying the same piece of Styrofoam he had found in a bush outside for the past six hours and didn’t hear the knocking. He was semi-scampering into the house when he heard yet another knock, causing him to tumble down the stairs. Who the hell was knocking on his door? He shook himself off, raced to the front door, and opened it.

“Hey, Earl the Bear, who is also my landlord. A little early for the rent, right?” Rob, the Squirrel, laughed and laughed at his witty remark. Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord, stood there, staring. This time the sound that could have been a chuckle was fainter.

“Hey, Rob, the Squirrel. A funny thing just happened to me. I went to deposit your check at the bank, and the teller, a jerk of an ostrich, laughed at me. When I asked why he was laughing, he threatened to call the Panda police. When I asked why he would do such a thing, he responded by asking me if he was stupid? Then he pointed to the paper towel soaked in marinara sauce that contained some scribbling in between the stains I had handed him. I looked down at the paper towel soaked in marinara sauce that contained some scribbling in between the stains and asked him what that was? He said it’s a paper towel soaked in marinara sauce that contained some scribbling in between the stains. I said, why are you showing me this? He said that’s what I had handed him two seconds earlier. A half-hour later, I left the bank red in the face.

“WHAAAAAAT??? That’s crazy! He was lying to you, Earl the Bear, who is also my landlord. That was a certified U.S. check. He’s trying to rip you off!” The fur on the back of Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord, stood on end. He took the paper towel soaked in marinara sauce with some scribbling in between the stains out of his pocket and held it in front of Rob the Squirrel’s face.

“So you’re telling me this paper towel soaked in marinara sauce with some scribbling in between the stains is a certified U.S. check?”

“Of course Earl the Bear, who is also my landlord. What else would it be?”

“And you’re saying if I go back down there that they will cash this?”

“They better, or else! The God damn Socialists are taking over the country!” Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord, stood there, not saying a word. He was a Bernie bro but didn’t like discussing his politics. Rob, the Squirrel, wrinkled his nose in thought and held up his right paw.

“You know what? Hold on one second.” Rob, the Squirrel, ran to the kitchen, opened up the fridge, and stuck his paw in a jar of mayonnaise. Then he grabbed a dish towel and wiped his paw. Feeling satisfied with his decision, Rob, the Squirrel, went back to his front door holding the dishtowel.

“This here is a notarized letter stating that what you have in your possession is a check that can be cashed and used as currency. That should solve everything.” Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord, let out a sigh of relief and took the dishtowel with some mayonnaise on it.

“Thanks, Rob, the Squirrel. I appreciate your help.”

“No problem, Earl the Bear, who is also my landlord.” Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord, left, but he stopped on the last step. He turned just as Rob the Squirrel was closing the door.

“Are you sure this is going to work?” Rob, the Squirrel, wrinkled his nose in confusion.

“Of course, it will. Why wouldn’t it?”

“Okay. Thanks, Rob, the Squirrel.” Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord left.

Two hours later, Rob, the Squirrel, was once again on his couch, looking for something to watch when the doorbell rang, causing him to plummet to the ground. Who the hell was ringing his doorbell? Rob, the Squirrel, used his bushy tail to clean himself off and ran to the front door.

“Hey, Earl the Bear, who — “ Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord, stormed into his foyer, sending Rob the Squirrel flying into the kitchen. He ricocheted off a cabinet built in the late 80s and slowly stood up, trying to shake out the cobwebs. Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord, stood over him. He was not happy.

“Do you think I’m some kind of jerk-off?” Rob the Squirrel wrinkled his nose, this time out of fear, but he had no clue what Earl the Bear, who was also his landlord, was talking about.

“Pardon?”

“RAAAAAAAR!” Earl the Bear, who used to be his landlord, opened wide and ate Rob the Squirrel in less than three bites. Feeling satisfied with the outcome, Earl the Bear, who used to be his landlord, went back home and placed an ad in the local newspaper for an eight hundred square foot apartment. Anyone interested would need the first and last month’s rent, along with a security deposit.

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Tom Starita

Tom Starita

When asked for her thoughts about him, Oprah Winfrey said, “Who?” Tom Hanks refused to respond to an email, and Mookie Wilson once waved from a passing taxi.