The Truth Is Out There … But Conspiracy Nuts Don’t Care
A Few Recent Tall Tales For Your Amusement
This just in — The truck loaded with peanut butter that overturned on US-80 did so because the driver had been vaccinated for COVID-19 and was being mind-controlled by Joe Biden!
Okay, I made that up. But if a truck loaded with peanut butter did overturn on an Interstate highway, I’d expect the conspiracy nuts to start spewing within seconds.
In the U.S. we grow conspiracy theories the way uncontrollably dividing cells grow cancers. Most of these whoppers come from the far right (the far leftists, though sometimes loony, don’t usually dabble in conspiracy theories). A few recent ones are good for laughs — and terror at how many people believe them.
Before the recent solar eclipse, we were warned that the event would cause a massive human sacrifice (something about the New Madrid Fault Line coinciding with the solar eclipse’s path). Didn’t happen. Drat! Could have helped ease the housing crisis.
The conspiracy nuts also warned that the “elites” would use the eclipse to control humanity. Exactly how the eclipse would facilitate this was not made clear. I mean, there were only four minutes of totality, so the elites would have to move really fast and maybe not finish their lattes!
On March 30 a container ship crashed into the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore. The bridge collapsed and six construction workers died. The container ship crashed into the bridge because it lost power.
NO! cried the conspiracy nuts. It was a cyber-attack! The ship was taken over by foreign agents of the USA and steered toward the bridge!
Scratch that. The captain of the ship collapsed after taking the Covid 19 vaccination! Wait — he was vaccinated while steering the ship? He couldn’t wait to get to Baltimore? Of course, the captain did not collapse but facts are no fun.
Anyway, the cyber attack theory and the collapse theory are bupkes! The Obamas were responsible because they produced a Netflix movie where a cyberattack causes an oil tanker to run aground! Thanks, Obama!
At least nobody blamed the collapse on Jewish space lasers!
During football season (U.S. football, not rugby), Kansas City Chiefs player Travis Kelce hooked up with Taylor Swift, becoming her 215th boyfriend. Many football fans were not happy about a blonde dame intruding on the manly fun of 300-pound behemoths crashing into each other.
But the hookup was much more sinister! It was a secret plot to help President Biden get reelected in 2024. See, the Chiefs’ wins were all rigged to get the Chiefs to the Super Bowl (meaning that 384 coaches and 1600+ players had to be paid off! Biden must have been put on an allowance!)
Then Kansas City would win the Super Bowl and during the half-time show, Taylor Swift would come out (pissing off Usher) to endorse Joe Biden. “It’s all been an op since day one,” said the conspiracy nuts.
Presumably, Taylor Swift endorsing Biden would ensure his victory. Alas, it didn’t happen. All those payoffs to coaches and players for nothing! Taylor Swift should endorse Trump just to drive the conspiracy nuts nuts!
Of course, some conspiracy theories are not amusing, like the stolen 2020 election Big Lie and the monkey-doodle about the COVID-19 vaccine (sorry, Mr. Gates, I didn’t mean to say that — inject me with more mind-controlling bots!)
It’s no use citing facts to people living in alternate universes. You can say “The captain of the container ship didn’t collapse” and the conspiracy nut will say “That’s what they want you to believe.”
If you remind them that there is zero evidence to support a conspiracy theory they’ll whisper that the evidence is being suppressed. It is best to let them enjoy their delusions.
Of course, there have been conspiracy theories since there has been human society. But, say, 50 years ago, the conspiracy nuts would distribute leaflets or rant on a tree stump, reaching a limited audience. Now they reach millions within seconds, which is scary.
Wait … maybe the Deep State wants them to reach millions within seconds! This will give Joe Biden an excuse to nationalize social media! Obama will take over X! Trump will have mind-controlling bots put in his Big Mac and Diet Coke!
Fear the apocalypse!
