The US Presidents’ Sluttiest Pickup Lines

Ever wonder how Martin Van Buren used to flirt?

Dash MacIntyre
The Haven

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Photo by Todd Trapani on Unsplash

(Answers on the bottom)

  1. “Hey girl, wanna climb to the top of Mt. Vernon?”
  2. “I hold this truth to be self-evident, that I am endowed by my creator with a certain, inalienable boner.”
  3. “Is your dress from the Gorbachev Outlet Mall, cause I’m about to tear it down!”
  4. “Wanna know why they call me Tricky Dick?”
  5. “Your body’s so spectacular I’m going to designate it as a national park.”
  6. “You ever done it on a wheelchair?”
  7. “I want you to do things to my asshole I’ll have to pardon you for.”
  8. “Excuse me, miss, you’re giving me a nuclear missile crisis in my pants.”
  9. “Hey, hottie, you’re just my type — you look like my daughter!”
  10. “I’d love to proclamate the emancipation of them titties from those undergarments of yours.”
  11. “My lovers always come back a noncontiguous second time.”
  12. “I’m gonna have to do something about those weapons of mass erection you’re hiding in your blouse.”
  13. “I have a free trade deal going on with a Mexican girl and a Canadian girl, wanna join in?”
  14. “If you want to get real freaky, I won’t say a word to anyone.”
  15. “These mutton chop sideburns of mine are for holding onto while you ride my face like I’m the Pony Express.”
  16. “Read my lips: no premature ejaculation!”
  17. “That wet pussy of yours may be a pre-existing condition, but don’t worry, I got you covered, girl.”
  18. “You know, you and I could do some interracial stuff that’ll lose us the South for a generation.”
  19. “I won’t stop charging at your clitoris until you agree to unconditional surrender.”
  20. “My wife has made her decision that I can’t have any side hoes, now let her enforce it.”
  21. “I did a Hiroshima in the my sheets last night dreaming of you.”
  22. “Your skin would make a lovely coat for my collection.”
  23. “Hey, bitch, wanna f***?”
  1. Washington / 2. Jefferson / 3. Reagan
    4. Nixon / 5. T. Roosevelt / 6. F. Roosevelt
    7. Ford / 8. Kennedy / 9. Trump
    10. Lincoln / 11. Cleveland / 12. W. Bush
    13. Clinton / 14. Coolidge / 15. Arthur
    16. H. W. Bush / 17. Obama / 18. L. Johnson
    19. Grant / 20. Jackson / 21. Truman
    22. Van Buren / 23. Eisenhower

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The Haven
The Haven

Published in The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Dash MacIntyre
Dash MacIntyre

Written by Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.

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