The World’s 10 Most Awful Animals
The definitive, scientifically justified, totally subjective list
We’re all familiar with those ubiquitous “Top 10 Animals” lists, ranked according to the usual criteria ranging from size, intelligence and life expectancy to more subjective qualities like cuteness, beauty, homeliness or dangerousness to humans.
I have yet to see, however, a Top 10 Animals ranking based on the measure of their — how to put this? — “awfulness.” And by that I mean a combination of repulsiveness, toxicity, aggressiveness and plain old horridness that makes one wonder whether the Creator was simply in a foul mood when he magicked these abominations onto the earth, or whether their coming into being was the work of a malevolent intern when The Big Guy was taking a coffee break.
If this list smacks of species bias, consider me guilty as charged. Honestly, if we were able to put all of these natural born killers, treacherous parasites and psychotic varmints into a giant rocket ship and shoot it directly into the core of the sun, the world would be a better place. None of these horror shows has any redeeming features. I mean, even pit bulls can be friendly, sometimes. Even sharks and crocodiles have a sort of terrible beauty about them. Even ostriches, big jerks that they are, can provide feathers and meat. But this bunch: totally ghastly and useless, unless it’s for the purpose of turning our stomachs and spreading disease.
Given the vastness of nature and the infinite number of loathsome species, narrowing things down to a Top 10 list was a bit of a challenge. I therefore feel compelled to give the following repellent beasts not having made the list the consolation prize of Honorable Mention.
In the Insect category (always the most prolific source for this kind of thing): the Asian Giant Hornet, more colloquially known as the “Murder Hornet “— as big as a large man’s thumb, can fly at 25mph, and a species specifically intent on the genocide of honeybees. In the Reptile category: venomous snakes, as a team award, with the Black Mamba first among equals. Fish: Honorable Mention goes ex aequo to piranhas, box jellyfish, and the viperfish. For Mammals, we award the distinction to the terrible wolverine, that ultra-violent eater of anything and everything, including the bones and teeth of its prey.
And so, without further ado, on to the Main Event. As usual, to keep the feeling of suspense intact, we will proceed in reverse order, with the Supreme Nightmare Animal saved for last.
10. Rats. Yes, I know, some people keep them as pets, you can train them, they’re intelligent, etc. All reasons why this filthy rodent gets to occupy the least-awful tail end of the list. But the harsh truth is that, together with awful beast #8, this vermin has been responsible for more human deaths than any other, not least a few plagues throughout history that make the worldwide Spanish Flu pandemic of 1918 look like a passing bout of hay fever.
9. Vultures. On looks alone, this fellow would not be allowed to create an account by any dating platform for birds. Bald head, long scrawny neck, hunched stance, ominous dark wings: swipe left, left, left, left! Add to this their eating habits — carrion, s’il vous plait, the more rotten the better — and their creepy habit of flying around in circles over a dying animal, like greedy relatives gathering in the office of the deceased’s lawyer for the reading of the dear departed’s will — and you have a richly earned 9th place for these Grim Reapers of the animal world.
8. Mosquitoes. When it’s not dengue fever these bloodsuckers are spreading, it’s malaria (death toll: over half a million people every year, thank you very much), and when it’s not malaria it’s welt-inducing bites, and when it’s not itchy bites it’s the most annoying whining sound known to man when they get too close to your ear. A pox on them. Enough said for these nasty little bastards.
7. Hyenas. If anything, the heinous nature of these animal lowlifes as portrayed in Disney’s The Lion King is an understatement. Ugly, disease-ridden, with a blood-curdling cackle, an ungainly gait, a pot belly, and, like vultures, an appetite for rotting carcasses, these disgusting scavengers travel in hoodlum packs both mean-spirited and cowardly, ganging up even on a solitary lion if in sufficient numbers but fleeing after bothering it into action if not in a big enough pack. I rejoice when the King of Beasts catches one.
6. Ticks. These are the Claymore mines of the Animal Kingdom, and should be banned as such. Able to lie in wait on a blade of grass literally for months before latching on to a passing dog, sheep, goat or human, their bite — seemingly innocuous at first — can create a lifetime of incapacity and misery. Lyme disease is their most famous “gift that keeps on giving,” but they also transmit bacterial diseases, viral diseases and parasitic diseases. Charming.
5. Funnel web spiders. I first learned of these monsters watching a television documentary on the many lethal species native to Australia. They are simply terrifying: Tarantula meets Dracula. Of gargantuan size, for spiders, and with massive fangs that they bare while rearing up on their four hind legs, they are known for their aggressive nature and highly poisonous stabbing bite whose venom targets the human nervous system. When a species is considered particularly scary in a peer group consisting of Red Back Spiders, Wolf Spiders, Brazilian Wanderers and Black Widows, you know that it belongs on this list.
4. Tasmanian Devils. Here’s another one where a television documentary apprised me as to the full extent of their insane awfulness. In particular — quite aside from its wild screeches, gnashing teeth, propensity to bite anything that moves, and quality as a carrier of rabies — the male of these perpetually furious marsupials has a particularly horrific mating behavior that consists of it grabbing a desired female, dragging her screaming into his den, and then raping her while biting her on the neck and back. The cherry on the cake is that it devours its prey — carrion, small mammals, birds, whatever — whole: bones, fur and all.
3. Komodo Dragons. If evil extraterrestrials ever happen to invade Earth with genocidal intent, one hopes that they choose to land on the Indonesian islands of the Lesser Sunda group, including of course the island of Komodo. For this is the habitat of the modern-day dinosaur called the Komodo Dragon, a terrifying predator with venomous saliva that causes blood poisoning in its prey, ensuring a slow and agonizing death. This giant slithering reptile has a sadistic side: it follows its victim for days or even weeks until the venom takes its full effect. Up to 10 feet long and able to overpower animals much larger than itself (this glutton can consume up to 80% of its body weight in one sitting), this revolting monster has been known to dig up and devour human corpses, using its keen sense of smell to locate buried bodies up to five miles away. A sadist and ghoul from prehistoric times that we can honestly do without.
2. Tapeworms. It’s back to the invertebrate gang for our runner-up among this rogues’ gallery of truly hideous creatures. And let me say that it was a close vote. These horrifying parasites choose to live, of all places, in the intestines of humans. Seriously! They grow to grotesque lengths (up to 30 feet; yecch!) while they steal nutrients from their “hosts,” who are usually totally unaware that they are harboring a life form straight out of the film Alien coiled up in their gut. These nauseating things can live inside of you, feeding off your meals, for up to 30 years. They make even their close relatives, leeches, look adorable by comparison.
1. Lampreys. We come at last to our champion Awful Animal, a true Spawn of the Devil that bests the most appalling creations of any sci-fi horror movie special effects artist to date. A jawless eel-like tube and a swimming nightmare, the lamprey has a suction-cup mouth filled with rows of tiny, sharp teeth that latch on to the sides of trout, sturgeons and catfish. It then drills through their scales with a spiral-toothed tongue, literally sucking the life out of them, slowly and slimily. A perfect combination of all that qualifies an animal as truly Awful — disgusting, ugly, scary, parasitic, and predatory — this curse upon the Animal Kingdom truly deserves its top ranking. Officially, incontrovertibly, the undisputed Worst Animal in the World.
