HUMOR
These Ordinary Citizens Solved the Climate Crisis Right Before Our Eyes
Disclaimer: This is a humor story. It is not my intention to make light of mental illness, compulsive hoarding or climate change.
When 2022 descended upon the Eastern Time Zone, I was in dire need of some TLC. But not the warm hug, words of encouragement and hot cup of tea kind of TLC. More like the up next watch Stacy London and Clinton Kelly burn this 43-year-old suburbanite’s collection of graphic tees!! kind of TLC.
So I grabbed my laptop and started searching DuckDuckGo—just kidding, I use Google like every Mac-equipped girlie taking scant measures to protect her data.
So I grabbed my laptop and started searching *Google Chrome, version 96.0.4664.110* for some good old reality TV. Time was hurtling forward, but I was crawling back to 2010.
I was looking for content that would make me feel good about my own life — you know, content made for the “ordinary” American at the expense of the slightly-less-ordinary American, offering some strange sense of self-assurance. I was looking for comfort and a laugh.
I hadn’t asked television to enlighten me. But epiphanies often come from unexpected places. And in the soft glow of the blue light emanating from my barely functional 2015 MacBook Air, I discovered a glaring oversight.
How could we have missed this?!
Hoarding: Ingenious Solutions Buried Alive
After a bit of browsing that New Year’s weekend, I landed on Hoarding: Buried Alive, a TLC series that follows hardcore collectors (“hoarders”) and encourages them to relinquish a few [hundred] possessions for the sake of “cleanliness” and “mental health.” (The series was cancelled in 2014, but you can still access all 83 episodes here. You’re welcome.)
According to the show, and probably lots of qualified therapists but what do they know, compulsive hoarding is a mental illness that deeply affects its victims and their loved ones. Each episode centers on one victim, exposing the items they’ve kept and highlighting their journey as they receive treatment from mental health professionals and rid their homes of junk.
What if these people aren’t victims, after all? What if they’re heroes?
In the title of the [mind-blowing, world-changing] article you’re reading, I called these people “ordinary.” Correction: these people are extraordinary. They have a talent that we so hastily dismissed as a disorder, an illness and an obstacle. We accused them of not living life correctly, of neglecting their wellbeing. We told them they had to change to be healthy.
But they weren’t looking after their own health. They were looking after the health of the PLANET!
These clever Americans declared,
“No, I will NOT contribute to landfills with my consumer waste!”
and whispered to the walls of Tupperware and tin cans around them,
“I will LIVE in a landfill, instead.”
The sense of personal responsibility!
We could learn a lesson from these quiet environmentalists.
Westerners consume and discard a ridiculous amount of stuff. So. Much. Stuff. And this stuff comes wrapped in other stuff. And then, sometime or another, we chuck it all out! We purge it from our personal space for the sake of tidiness and just expect someone else to come by with a giant truck and sweep away the carcasses of our careless purchases.
We produce waste upon waste upon waste upon waste upon waste. (I mean really, did I need that many repetitions? Or did I just feel entitled to having as many as I wanted? The words were available — at such a low cost to me! — so I took them. And I was raised in America; I looooove to consume.)
So fine. If we’re going to be such consumers, we best prepare to be keepers, too!
There are two reasons I love this kind of American activism.
1: It’s the opposite of a public performance of altruism. It’s completely private!
Just like any good hero, these extraordinary Americans — these hoarders — keep their heroic acts hidden. From the exterior, they appear to be living like the rest of us civilians. Only by accessing their private quarters do we see the true extent of their genius. And sure, they claim to cling to things because the items have sentimental value. But that’s just a cover-up for their real mission: protect the outside world.
The humility!
2: It’s made for Americans — in particular.
Americans love to own things. The 5th amendment RIGHT to property, am I right?! We’re a bit panicked about having things taken away from us.
SO! Let’s get mad at the garbage trucks DARING to steal our hard-earned pizza boxes! I work a minimum-wage job. That pizza was worth an hour’s work. And the box is a symbol of my protestant work ethic, so you better let me keep it!
Next time you’re feeling nostalgic and want to watch some old TLC, consider Hoarding: Buried Alive. And use it as a chance to reflect on your own consumerism.
Maybe you too will learn a lesson about personal responsibility from the stars of this show. These heroic Americans helped me finally figure out my 2022 New Year’s resolution: every time I consider bringing an object into my house in the next 360ish days, I will ask myself,
“Do I want to live with this object in my home? Am I prepared to commit to a long-term relationship with this item and the stuff it came wrapped in?”
If the answer is no, I might just do without it. If the answer is yes, then I can have my goods and find a permanent spot for them in the stacks.
