COMIC RELIEF

They Didn’t Know I Was a Transgender Girl

6 funny things folks said to me when they had no freaking clue about my gender

Phoenix Huber
Oct 29, 2020 · 8 min read
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Photo by Anastasiya Lobanovskaya on Pexels

I’m a transgender girl who listens more than talks. Because of this, I seem to be a magnet for people’s gender-related secrets.

But before I list the funniest confessions people told me, I should warn you about something.

Indecency warning: This article contains sexual references. The worst of which are references to my 2-week trial as a “professional phone escort.”

I took those calls, by the way, from a Tempe, AZ apartment complex that shoulda been called “Cockroach Towers.” One time I caught two cockroaches getting hanky-panky above the bathroom door. Eww.

(Honest version: Anyone with the last name Huber, and especially Grandma, if you somehow landed on this page by mistake, I beseech thee, click away!)

Now that that’s out of the way, allow me to regale you. Here are the top 3 cutesiest confessions from all my years hearing from folks about gender:

  • I’m a straight guy but one time I dreamed I was a woman and it was hot.

Good lord. I think I’ll stick with the pansexual guys from now on. We can have breakfast in bed and bring the whole pan. ;)

Just kidding! All the OkCupid guys have been great, including the straight ones. Most of the “secrets” from cis people have been about more serious matters anyway.

A mother wasn’t sure whether her child was trans and she wanted to be supportive. A guy turned down a girl who was trans, she was mad and he needed to process. A classmate had conflicted feelings about gender from her childhood and my transition held up a mirror.

I ❤ them all for opening up to me. I actually wrote about each confession in more detail in another article and it was exhausting. So for comic relief, I was ready to turn to a different topic: What about those times people had no idea I’m a transgender girl?

Because I’ll tell ya, the things people say when they don’t know are 12x as hilar!

For the love of Laverne Cox, darling, I just realized it took me 350+ words to get to the actual point of this article. Without further bullshit, here are 6 funny things people said when they had no freaking clue about my gender!

1. How can you stand the special snowflakes up in San Francisco?

Before COVID-19, I was a Brand Ambassador who worked for a plant-based meat company. I set up tables in grocery stores and triple-dog-dared everyone to try a tofu burger!

(Actually, it was pea protein — and it tasted almost as good as being an out and proud trans woman feels!)

One day while touring in Arizona, an older gentleman lingered at my demo table. He found out I was just visiting. I lived at the time in San Francisco, California, a city known for being liberal and LGBTQ-friendly.

“San Francisco? How can you stand all the flakes?” he said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You know, the guys who think they are chicks and the chicks who think they are guys.”

Feigning confusion, I let the conversation fade as the next customer came by to try their plant-based meat burger. Little did that guy know… he was speaking with a “man-based woman!”

This old job memory makes me laugh. I start picturing San Franciscans as magic talking snowflakes who never melt. We drift amongst the skyscrapers and pledge allegiance to a rainbow flag!

2. I’m afraid of transgender people

Years ago, I spoke with a fellow free spirit on Skype. We had met at none other than a cuddle workshop. At the end of our big hippie cuddling sess when we all gathered in a circle, I asked if anyone wanted to volunteer as a practice client for my Lefkoe Method coaching.

This older woman kindly volunteered. To be perfectly honest, she had no idea what incompetent amateur BS she was getting herself into!

The Lefkoe Method’s goal is to change your beliefs and, therefore, change your unwanted patterns more easily. Being a spiritual, socially conscious person, my “practice client” wanted to work on her prejudice.

“Yes, I need to work on my prejudice towards lesbians,” she explained. “I’m also afraid of transgender people.”

“I’m transgender,” I said.

“I’m not afraid of you, sweetie.”

I’d like to think that our chat that day helped her overcome the prejudice she had spotted within herself. We all have it. She was brave to try and confront prejudice so openly with a complete stranger from a cuddle workshop!

But if anything, the experience must have only increased her bad impression of trans women. I hope she knows not all of us are wannabe psychologist kooks! I was a Lefkoe Method fanatic because it’s an amazing technique and it did wonders for my social anxiety. If only she had been introduced to it by someone other than my clumsy butt.

Alas, if transgender people are really so scary as her unwanted prejudice would suggest, I guess I don’t need to worry about Halloween costumes anymore. Here I am — boo!

3. You hot, pretty, sexy queen —you please moves to my country and has my babies?

In his defense, English was not his first language. My dating profile said “I’m transgender,” but he could have thought that was a nationality or something. Transylvanian? Transatlantic?

I’ll take his compliment that I appeared to be a “hot, pretty, sexy queen.” We all deserve a little hyped-up flattery now and then.

However, I cannot defend his instantaneous insistence that I hop on a plane and relocate to North Africa to bear his children. You are moving a bit fast, man, even for me!

Still, his OkCupid message stands out to this day as the #1 most flattering and simultaneously hilarious note I’ve ever received.

4. Hey

“Hey,” he told me.

It was the number two most flattering and simultaneously hilarious note I’d ever received.

“Hello, handsome,” I replied. “What did you think of my profile? I hope you are having such a wonderful day!”

(Gosh darn it, I always wish people such a wonderful day. I feel like a Sesame Street character sometimes.)

I was really curious to find out what kind of day this dude was having. And whether it was wonderful or not. But to my chagrin, our chat disappeared!

Okay, I get it. He probably blocked me when he saw I was trans. After all, most people don’t see anything other than this fabulous dishwater mane when they swipe right. I’m only surprised my male-pattern bald spots and flat-as-Kansas chest hadn’t made him swipe left.

Even so, the “Hey” guy didn’t break my heart nearly as bad as the guy who said, “Hey… get off the women’s section!”

99% of the comments are nice though. :)

5. Oh yeah, baby, are you wet yet?

I was a phone sex operative. Briefly. I didn’t even get paid, as promised. I was conned by a couple of phone sex pimps named “Michelle” and “Kate.”

Sadly, the website that scammed me still exists. Those scoundrels! I’m usually not a harsh person, but I’m still so salty, I hope someone… sues them. And wins. And gets our money back. Yeah!

Because you know what? Getting to thrill men over the phone and call it “work” was one of the funnest things I ever did. One of the guys even said to me, “Oh yeah, baby, are you wet yet?”

Technically, I could not and cannot get wet yet because I am *sighs* vaginaless.

However, I was more than happy — more than delirious! — to pretend to be well-endowed in the pubic orifice department. They offered me the job based on my female-sounding voice. I would execute the job with my female-sounding moans and a little transgender imagination!

Sometimes, I was Ms. Lovely, the lonely housewife. I had been sexually spurned — spurned, I tell you! — by my workaholic, 100%-a-cheater husband. I roleplayed with randos over the telephone for revenge!

On other calls, I played “Naughty-For-You,” notorious solicitor of spankings, and grand mistress of filthy talk! Naughty girl’s catchphrase? “I aim to please. At least twice.”

I’m just lucky none of the guys demanded to hear vaginal squishy sounds. The gig would’ve been up much sooner.

Next time, I’m applying for a transgender sex hotline, so I won’t have to go incognito. And I’m background-checking the pimps!

6. Tell your daughter not to flush tampons down the toilet!

Sorry, Mama and Dad. I don’t know how that toilet belched so much water that the entire downstairs became flooded.

I also don’t know why, after we swept gallons of water out onto the porch, applied bleach and patted the floor dry using every single towel in the house, the potty kept failing to flush and threatening to overflow again!

I might have used too much toilet paper. I may have clogged the shower and the sink with body hair. (Because when we unearthed the hair later with a closet hanger, it could’ve been enough to build a yeti costume.)

What I can tell you — and Mr. Plumber Man — for certain is that I absolutely, absolutely did not flush tampons down the toilet!

“Tell your daughter not to flush tampons down the toilet,” he suggested to my parents in hushed tones.

Now my family won’t let me forget. They laugh at me because we all know I’ve never bled a day in my life. Thanks a lot, Mr. Plumber Man! (Yes, thanks a lot in earnest because you saved our household from the haunted toilet of doom.)

In case anyone didn’t know, trans women do not and cannot menstruate. I know, my cisters, it’s really not fair that I’m spared of these pains. And unlike the main character in She’s the Man, I can’t even pretend I use tampons for nosebleeds!

P.S. In case cockroaches of the future evolve human intelligence and start scouring the interwebs to hunt down every person who insulted them, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it earlier when I said eww.

No cockroach should be shamed for his, her, or zir sexuality. Cockroaches are beautiful creatures. I’m just not biologically programmed to behold said beauty; I’m biologically programmed to shout eek whenever I see you. I’m a lowly human. It’s what I do.

Please, Cockroach Overlords, have mercy on me. Let me be your pet, instead of making me into a fried transgender girl casserole.

P.P.S. I didn’t mean to shame the pink Barbie underwear guy either! You are loved.

Thank you.

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Phoenix Huber

Written by

An effusive Pollyanna and vegan trans woman. I’m passionate about making life joyful and kind. Get in touch with a private note on an article you liked.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Phoenix Huber

Written by

An effusive Pollyanna and vegan trans woman. I’m passionate about making life joyful and kind. Get in touch with a private note on an article you liked.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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