So you’re using the public bathroom, already scared out of your wits because there could be COVID germs in addition to all the regular germs when suddenly BLAMO! The toilet flushes at a velocity that would put Niagra Falls during the spring melt to shame. Sure, the adrenaline surge and bloodcurdling screams are fun and all, but then, in a twinkling, it’s over, leaving you pining away for your next terror fix.
That’s why several prominent companies are rolling out the following automatic things. Now you can enjoy bowel-cleansing terror and hands-free sanitary-ness in all your favorite places.
Picture this: you pull up, wait for the terrified employee to finally take your order only to have to wait again for them to stuff it into a bag and toss it out the window at you when you pull up.
What if, instead of all that rigamarole, you were just pelted with delicious foodstuffs the minute you pulled up to the order box? Simply roll down the windows, scream your credit card number into the wind, and peel on out of there with your vehicle filled to bursting with diet soda, fries, and McLiver-wiches.
No more touching those filthy, pathogen-ridden slot machines. Just saunter past and you’ll instantly be pelted with quarters, nickels, and subway tokens.
Drive on up to the front door and watch as your local librarians hurl oodles of books at you. From history to reference to erotica, you’re sure to enjoy the smorgasbord of literature — once you finish icing your elbows and belly button, that is.
Looking for a new blender? That shiny model you’ve been coveting now turns on automatically the minute you stick your finger, nose, or eyeball inside to check out the quality of the blades. Fun and gore for the whole family!
Pushing a bunch of disease-ridden buttons on the gas pump is now a relic of the past. The moment you pull up, the automated pump will spray gasoline all over your windshield, work clothes, and Fuente Don Arturo cigars. Don’t worry, some will totally spray into your gas tank, too. (Probably. They’re working on it.)