Things I, A White Teenage Influencer, Have Learned from Florida Man Headlines.
Florida Man flashes buttocks at IHOP after impersonating a police officer to get free food.
Wow, guys. Let me tell you, when I first read this headline I got chills. Literal. Chills. I mean, this man is truly a beacon of inspiration for body positivity. This is giving me big #FreeTheNip vibes. I’m here for it, and you should be too.
Florida Man steals 850 pairs of underwear from Victoria’s Secret.
An icon. I’m sure you’ve all heard me preach about manifesting abundance in my latest TikTok series, but this works too. This is the success story of someone with hard work and determination.
Florida Man attacks nephew over undercooked noodles.
I, too, let my passion drive my actions. In fact, this reminds me of my first producer; he told me he couldn’t make me sound like the love-child of Taylor Swift and Katy Perry, without using “enough autotune to summon Will.I.Am from the music video for ‘Buy You A Drink’ in 2007.” I got him fired from the studio and used my passion for my fans to find a producer that could make it happen. Go stream “My Fans are the Cheese to my Impossible Burger” on Spotify now!
Florida Man proposes to girlfriend, ties ring to alligator.
This man values love in a way that most men aren’t capable of doing! However, when you find the right person, they know the value of your love and truly put everything on the line for you to keep life fun and exciting!
North Florida Man Beat, Pepper Sprayed Mom Because ‘She Was a Narcissist’
Family relations are no excuse to diminish your value. My manager always says that, like the Kardashian family, your relatives will always want to piggyback off of your successes. If they can’t respect that, just remember when they get old you can always put them into a retirement home!
Florida Man Who Allegedly Threatened Family with Coldplay Lyrics Ends Standoff After SWAT Promises Him Pizza
This was a great lesson in self-worth. While I, personally, would recommend listening to something a bit more modern, he really proved that setting healthy, reasonable boundaries is not only accepted, but encouraged.
Florida Man Rescues Grandma Floating Away on Ice Throne
You, too, can be a hero. Saving an old lady is great publicity, as this guy has learned. It only takes one viral video to launch your career. If you have no talent, this is a great option! You can always deceive the general public, too! Just get a friend to play the part!
Florida Man Electrocuted Trying to Remove Bird From Power Line
Be a risk taker. Everyone inevitably messes up when they get famous. But let me tell you a secret: doing a super, like, charitable deed makes everyone forget about whatever mistake you need covered up!
