Thinking about moving to Barbados for a year? Perhaps you’d also like Nowhere, America
“A New Visa Would Let You Travel to Barbados and Work There Remotely For a Year.” –– Condé Nast Traveler, 7/9/2020
Dear US Citizen,
You are receiving this letter, because your recent online history points to an interest in the Twelve-Month Barbados Welcome Stamp. Before relocating overseas, we, The United States, would like to encourage you to embrace the magic of your home nation instead, by finishing out your work-from-home days from the vibrant oasis of Nowhere, America.
Here’s why you’ll love it:
Sure, Barbados has gorgeous stretches of soft, pearlescent sand and the kind of azure waters honeymoons are made of, but let us remind you that Nowhere, America is situated on one of the flattest regions on earth!
If you can already taste the pickled pork and spiced sweet potatoes of Bajan cuisine on your tongue, we’d like to direct your attention to Nowhere, America’s most popular downtown restaurant. Known for its “global influences,” The Roasted Toad’s Fried Cheesy Pickles with a side of Sir–ranch–a™ will whisk your senses away to the floating markets of Bangkok. How can you say, “No” to such an enticing list of daily specials, including their “Fish Special,” the “Steak Special,” and the whimsical, yet savvy “Pasta Special”?
Yes, sweet, seductive rum hails from Barbados, but Nowhere, America, too, prides itself on its dreamy exports. Where else will you write home to your friends about restraining yourself — literally tying yourself to your chair — against the siren call of wind turbine manufacturing? Only in Nowhere, America!
If life in a bikini lures you to Barbados, please note that Nowhere, America does have an indoor waterpark.
In Barbados, you will live among people of Afro-Caribbean descent and the Indo-Guyanese. We’re here to assure you that most of Nowhere, America’s 89.7% white population has been to a Pier 1 Imports.
Barbados, birthplace of the nine-time Grammy Award winner Rhianna, appeals to her diverse and expansive fan base. Of equal draw is Nowhere, America’s own singer-songwriter, Lucy Crawford. If her hit song, “I’m a Lonely Tumbleweed” doesn’t bring tears to your eyes, perhaps you cannot handle the multitudes of this region.
Why stay in a small treetop bungalow overlooking calm turquoise waters in Barbados, when in Nowhere, America, you can rent an apartment that advertises itself as “carpeted”? Weren’t you just saying you needed something to dig your toes into?
The choice is yours!
Thank you for allowing us to access your online history via the Donald Trump Internet Privacy Redistribution Program™. If you have any additional questions or concerns, please direct your inquiries to our temporary offices based out of Barbados — address on our website.
Sincerely,
The United States of America
