This is the Best Pet Chocolate Éclair FAQ You Will Ever Read

Bring them home in a box

Sarah Totton
The Haven
Published in
4 min readJan 15, 2022


Photo by Larissa Farber at Pexels

Q. How do I go about acquiring a chocolate éclair as a pet?

A. Since the Dawn of Time, when the first caveman squirted crème pâtissière up an éclair’s bum, Man and choux pastry have enjoyed an enduring bond of friendship and exploitation. The modern pet éclairs you see today are the result of millions of years of domestication.

Make sure to source your prospective pet éclair from a reputable breeder or consider adopting an unwanted éclair from the day-olds bin at your local Greggs. First-time owners should start with an adult éclair. Profiteroles, while smaller and more appealing than adult éclairs, are often more aggressive and can be a challenge to house train.

Q. What kind of housing does my pet chocolate éclair need?

A. Éclairs need plenty of room to roam, so a 100-gallon fully landscaped terrarium is recommended. It’s not a bad idea to include a mini-trampoline, as chocolate éclairs like to go boing to burn off those excess calories. The terrarium should be topped with an array of straight razors, cutting lasers and rotating fan blades to deter escape attempts.

Q. How do I care for my pet éclair?

A. From a public health and safety standpoint, pet éclairs should be maintained at a temperature of 80 degrees Celsius. To keep your pet éclair warm, place it on top of a hot-rock. A hot-rock is a device that pet lizards use to bask on. Do not place your pet éclair on top of a hot lizard to keep it warm as this will annoy the éclair. If your pet éclair gets too warm (i.e. above 100 degrees Celsius), immerse it in a bath of liquid nitrogen for six days.

Éclairs often suffer from dry skin, so make sure to moisturize the surface of your chocolate éclair daily with Castrol XLR.

Q. I think my pet éclair is lonely. What should I do?

A. Pet éclairs are naturally solitary creatures and rarely socialize outside their original batch of 6 or 12 baking-tray siblings. Placing a strange éclair into the terrarium with your pet could trigger disembowelment, resulting in cream everywhere. Instead, introduce a “fake friend” to your pet éclair, such as a hot dog roll or a Jamie Oliver action figure.

Q. What do pet éclairs eat?

A. Slurry. You can buy slurry from your local Greggs or, to save money, make it at home using a distillery hooked up to your toilet.

Q. What is the best way for me to bond with my pet éclair?

A. High-fructose corn syrup. Apply the syrup to the desired body part and then apply the éclair. If an emergency removal becomes necessary, call 911 or your local Minister of Pastry.

Q. How do I teach my pet éclair to do tricks?

A. It is not recommended that you teach a pet éclair to do tricks as this may lead to éclair prostitution. If you suspect your pet éclair has discovered prostitution, report it immediately to the relevant authority (The Foundation for the Prevention of Sexual Exploitation of Pet Éclairs (FOPSEP)) or your local Minister of Pastry.

Q. My wife says she’s allergic to my pet éclair. What should I do?

A. Wives can be safely and humanely released back into the wild at most times of the year. The best place to do so is into a designated bin outside your nearest Houses of Pastry or Office of the Wives Relocation League Department (OFFWORLD). Wives can be replaced with penguins, which are generally not allergic to éclairs and take up less space in the average modern home.

Q. How can I tell if my pet éclair has died?

A. If you have noticed that your pet éclair hasn’t moved from its customary place in its terrarium, there is no need for concern. When éclairs discover a highly desirable location, they may remain there for prolonged periods of time. If your pet éclair has not moved in ten years, check to see if it is still breathing. If it has stopped breathing, call your local Minister of Pastry or Affiliate of the Éclair Resuscitation Guild (AERG!).

Q. I think my husband may be consensually licking my pet éclair. What should I do?

A. If your éclair is behaving badly, put it in “time out” in a segregated area of its terrarium. If the bad behavior persists, remove the éclair’s chocolate topping and inform it that you will not be returning it until the unwanted behavior stops.

Note: If the basic disciplinary actions described above do not work, you may have to bring in a celebrity pastry behaviorist, like Paul Hollywood. Pastry behaviorists spend years observing the behavior of baked goods and they are able to sort out the majority of pastry-based marital problems.

Q. I think my pet éclair may be the legendary Loch Ness Chocolate Éclair

A. That is the domain of Cryptopastry, which is outside the scope of this article



Sarah Totton
The Haven

Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.