This Isn’t A Competition; We’re Just Neighbors
Hey neighbor, it’s weird seeing you here. Just kidding, I’m at your front door. I’ve noticed you’ve been doing a ton of housework lately, and I wanted to make sure this wasn’t some crazy competition.
In the last two years, you’ve fixed your roof three times, you’ve started a garden, which was great, but I thought it was odd to have a sign that said Neighborhood’s Best Garden. It was only soil at the time. Also, you’ve added new windows to your home. It feels kind of like you’re trying to one-up my family and me. You know, I added new windows to my house two years ago. Crazy because even though they’re new, it might be time for me to add in some newer ones. Windows sure do grow old fast.
No, competition? Okay, good, and before I go, you know what’s odd. I get my lawn mowed twice a week. Every Sunday and Thursday, a woman comes-we’re feminists here-to mow my lawn and trim my bushes. I take pride in having the best lawn in the neighborhood, even though this is not a competition. But, I noticed you’ve hired two women to cut your grass. What happened to Chad? I thought you were okay with him drinking bud light on the job. No big deal though, it’s just a lawn; nobody cares.
I just wanted to clarify that there is no competition. We are just neighbors. I know there’s supposed to be one because we played on rival football teams, but that’s when we were kids. Remember when I accidentally broke your arm your senior year. It was tough watching you miss out on your scholarship to Kentucky. Thankfully, I was there to replace you and help Kentucky win a State Championship.
Oh, I noticed another thing: you carry all your groceries in on one trip — Yea, weird. You used to take about 3–4 trips, but now you gather them all at once. Why the sudden grocery bag change? I just so happened to be looking out my window when I saw you attempting to close your trunk; 15 bags on the right arm, 12 bags on the left arm, and three bags around your neck. I didn’t see you for a couple of weeks after the paramedics were called. But it wasn’t long before I saw you carrying all your groceries on the walker the hospital gave you.
Yea. I started carrying my groceries all at once because I read a study that said it was convenient to work your muscles when carrying groceries. I’m more productive when I flex my muscles while I carry groceries. It’s like a
jumpstart to my evening. Plus, when the paramedics came to my house, I’m almost sure they got here three minutes faster than when you called. It’s not a competition or anything. I was timing in case of emergencies.
One last thing, you know this community is like a family to me. When you moved here, you had two children. But it’s been three years, and now you have five more. How is that physically possible? Oh, you adopted three children. Congratulations. I think it’s great that you have a large family of seven kids. They’re so lovely and are always welcoming my eight kids to come over and play. Although with Trevor being the eighth, he’s left out. Oh, your wife is pregnant with twins?! Congratulations! I am so happy for you. That reminds me, my wife and I are about to have sex right now. She’s been talking about having another baby or two.
Oh, and before I go, my wife said she saw your wife at Nordstrom looking at dresses. I hope your wife didn’t mind that my wife bought the entire dress rack and their upcoming dress collections. She liked so many dresses and felt she needed all of them. She’s so picky when it comes to clothes, but I’m sure your wife will love some of the items from the clearance rack or Marshall’s. I’ve never been to Marshall’s, but I heard they’re great.
Oh, what’s that? Your wife is gearing up to mow the lawn herself? Wow. That’s wonderf — honey, grab some gloves and the lawnmower! We’ll have sex later! His wife is about to cut the grass. Beat her to it! Beat her to it! Do not let this family down! I need you out there, pronto! Sorry, sometimes the Benson family gets a bit competitive, but this has nothing to do with you. It’s not a competition; we’re just neighbors. Honey! His wife is already outside! GO! GO! GO!
