This Year’s Science Fair Confirms Alligators Scariest Fucking Thing On Planet
After working on it for two whole weeks, 10-year old Jude Greenberg confirmed at this year’s science fair that alligators are indeed the scariest fucking thing on the planet.
“I got the idea from this nightmare I had,” Jude told us before going on to describe the dream. “I was hanging out with my friends by a green lake, and there were these two eyes in the water following me. For some reason I couldn’t say anything about it. I was too afraid. When I woke up, I thought, wow, alligators are the scariest fucking thing on the planet. Determined to prove it, I made it my science fair project.”
Jude considered all sorts of other terrifying creatures. Bears, snakes, spiders, sharks. Not one was as fucking creepy as an alligator watching you from the murky depths of stagnant water.
Jude is a big fan of the scientific method, and wanted his study to be objective. “Scary” is a relative term, and means all sorts of different things to different people. He didn’t want people to think he was deciding for everyone what was scary and what wasn’t.
Jude took us to his poster board, which was decorated with various pictures of alligators under a bubbly, glittery headline, which his mother likely made for him. “Purpose,” Jude began, gesturing to the left side of the poster board with a retractable pointer. “To find out what the scariest thing in the world is. Research,” he continued, and with the pointer, circled three different pictures of alligators in their natural habitat. He raised his eyebrows as if that explained itself.
“Hypothesis,” he continued. “Alligators are so much fucking scarier than anything else on the planet. Simple enough. Experiment.” He smirked, and then shrugged. “Yeah, so as you can see here, this is a photo of me on the Ellen DeGeneres Show. She heard about what I was doing and invited me on. The audience members were my test subjects. Basically we released a bunch of terrifying beasts into the audience and noted which ones sparked the most fear. It was pretty dope. Ellen’s really chill. A big help for sure.”
Jude’s science fair project won first place this year. There’s a rumor circulating that the University of Louisiana may pick up the study and continue the research.
When we asked Jude about this, he laughed. “The study’s done,” he said. “It’s confirmed. Alligators are the scariest fucking thing on the planet. You know, those ‘researchers’ from the university, they probably just wanna be on Ellen too. Can you blame them?”
Second place this year went to a pretentious, mousy girl named Catherine Miller for her research on improving the efficiency, effectiveness, and affordability of solar panels. She refused to make a comment.
