Three.5 quick thoughts –
Innovation, 0.5. You know our species made history when you see how these days Yoga pants can stretch to accommodate every single one of our bloated BMIs that barely fit on anything but the open-ended Richter scale. These fibers are a marvel of engineering and I salute the good fight that I see them putting up in supermarkets, Starbucks shops and gyms, every day, across the Nation. Keep up the good work so we don’t have to keep working-out!
Excitement. With @Twitter having sold out, we must protect our remaining social media platforms, analogous to registering them with UNESCO World Heritage or WWF, so hear me out: Apparently, someone from Rajasthan just checked my LinkedIn profile — a sales person, it appears, and I have to say, I’m intrigued. Yes, I could just pay for LinkedIn and then know precisely who’s trying to sell me unsolicited software outsourcing services sh*t, but where’s the fun in that? So, I’m thinking this might be a car sales executive, trying to find the owner of a free, brand new Rolls Royce (currently garaged in Mumbai) that I qualified for through last month’s outlandish Amazon prime purchases or an all-expenses-paid trip to the Taj Mahal that I won when I unsuspectingly picked up the 10 millionth carton of branded milk in the supermarket the other day (expired or not). One can dream. Please know that I’m intimately familiar with Bollywood since the farther to-the-right your go on your Netflix brackets, the more direct-to-video Indian the program gets. I like ethnic, so no problem for me, but perhaps for the 200000 subscribers that left the service recently. Just a thought.
‘What’s-up’ etiquette. I celebrate Easter and noticed, much like the NSA I’m sure, an uptick on email/txt chatter, so let me clarify: Generally speaking, if you send me an electronic greeting card — super cute dancing rabbits for instance — please be warned that I will hire a hit man to take you out. It’s going to be a small-ish hit man, micro-financing as I’ll try to save resources because of global warming; so it will come down to a baseball bat, not a gun — anyway, it will hurt before it’s over. Why? — because that f*cking greeting card was infected with a bunch of crudely coded computer viruses, all speaking Chinese or Russian to each other, that first eat up my data (#) and then march up my colon, leaving nothing but destruction in their wake, IBD-ish. Take-home-message: (1) Sh*t can be contagious. (2) Just because you find this electronic garbage funny, doesn’t mean I have to, and I don’t, so be warned.
(# = the ones that haven’t been leaked ‘accidentally’ yet by my bank, retailer, physician or insurance company)
Shapeshifting vs. fashion abomination. Some things are correlated — e.g., your IQ and the size of your pinky toe, or the fact that you & your ass share an exit strategy: Make amends, don’t make a mess. But I’m getting sidetracked. I just saw an ad for the Merrell® Hydro Moc. Why on earth the hidden web algorithm feels compelled to showing me this MAGA standard issue plastic crap is beyond me. It’s a glorified croc for Floridians who apparently want to feel libertarian mud coming through their toes, or, if worn in the Northern cold, say around Jacksonville, to show off they own one pair of semi-clean but most importantly — white — socks. No sense in going bipartisan on this one so I’d get your pair in camo — for one, you can easily hide when you run away from critical race theorists sorts and, two, the croc goes well with the therapy-resistant jungle rot you will develop while attending a DeSantis rally at whatever dump site Disney leaves behind on the way out.
That all being said, enjoy your weekend.
© Tom Deisboeck, 2022. All Rights Reserved.
