WELL, THAT’S BAWKWARD
’Tis the Season for Butterball Hotline Jokes
Americana With a Side of Tryptophan
For some, these are desperate times…
Did you know that although the Butterball Hotline started out as a stunt, there are now 50 operators who’ve been taking calls and soothing panicky cooks every year for more than 40 years, and that they’re also nutrition experts?
Since so many of us are going to be roasting turkeys on American Thanksgiving (Thursday, November 23), it’s a good time to read about some of the unique problems these operators have had to address. The biggest question is, of course, how do I thaw this thing? Despite climate change, the amount of time it takes hasn’t changed. One young father/cook underestimated how long it would take to thaw the turkey, and his toddlers urgently needed a bath, so with lots of splashing in the background, he asked the hotline if he could thaw the turkey in the bathwater with the kids. Although his request was a bit after the fact, that was still a big no.
Another man called to ask if it was safe to cook the turkey he’d forgotten about but just found in the bottom of his big freezer, after thirty years. That too, was a no.
A woman tried to cook a 16-pound turkey in a Jacuzzi. Don’t do that.
Another guy wanted to know if chainsaw oil would ruin the turkey when he cut it in half with one. Hotline helpers suggested that he invest in a carving knife.
A woman who had invited friends from the Bahamas wanted her guests to feel right at home, so she called to ask the best way to put bikini tan lines on a turkey. They told her to try making an aluminum foil bikini. Sadly, there are no photos of it, so I suggest we all try this and share our pics.
When I lived on a schooner in the Caribbean and had to cook a turkey in a small boat oven for a bunch of charter guests, it took longer than I expected and wasn’t going to be quite browned enough in time for dinner, so while everyone sat in the cockpit enjoying their drinks, I pulled out the ship’s blowtorch and finished it off. Worked like a charm, and nobody died.
And finally, this, stolen from a Facebook friend who was perusing old recipes…
Karen L. Sullivan writes humor in between more serious projects. Her work is published in The Belladonna, The Haven, Rainshadow Journal, Stonecoast Review, and elsewhere. Twitter/X: @karenlsullivan9.
