The Haven
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The Haven

To Pee, or Not To Pee?

That is the 4 AM question

A wooden artist’s model is posed sitting on a toilet

Hello everybody! Welcome to “To Pee, or Not to Pee?” the game show that dares to ask … is it worth getting out of bed to take a leak? Let’s find out!


Our first contestant is Bob, an IT consultant from California — the Golden State! Bob has an important meeting in the morning, so he needs a good night’s sleep. Unfortunately, he just woke up from a dream about Niagara Falls! [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] Uh-oh. You don’t need to be Sigmund Freud to figure that one out. [MORE LAUGHTER] Also, his mother was in it, riding a burrito, but he probably doesn’t want to know what that was about. [STILL MORE LAUGHTER]

All right, let’s get started. Bob looks pretty groggy; he’s squinting hard at the alarm clock, trying to figure out what time it is. That’s a common first move, and — Ooh! What a potty mouth! [RAUCOUS LAUGHTER] Bob just discovered that it’s four A.M., and boy, he is not happy. He’d better be careful: all that swearing might wake up his wife, Cheryl. Then he’s done for sure. [KNOWING CHUCKLES]

This is a tough call, folks. The alarm is set for six-thirty, so Bob has two and a half hours of much-needed sleep time left — about the length of an overblown comic book movie. [GENIAL TITTERING] If he goes to the bathroom and can’t fall back asleep, he’s in for a looong night of staring at the ceiling. [SCATTERED CHUFFS] So the question is, how badly does he have to go?

Looks like he’s gonna try to tough it out! [MÉLANGE OF BOOS AND APPLAUSE] Now to get comfortable again. Bob usually sleeps on his left side, but he tosses and turns even in the best of times, and these are not the best of times. [PERFUNCTORY LAUGHTER, THOUGH ONE GUY SEEMS LEGIT] Plus, he’s got some morning wood going, which’ll really add to the difficulty. [EMBARASSED GIGGLING FROM WOMEN; SYMPATHETIC MUMBLING FROM MEN] See? He’s almost out, but he’s rolling over, and … Oh! Big mistake! That just put more pressure on his bladder! [MILD CHORTLING, SPRINKLED WITH GUFFAWS] Wah-wah. Yes, I did just make a sad trumpet noise with my mouth.

Well, folks, this is crunch time. I don’t see how Bob can do anything but get up to pee, and he looks like he’s realizing that, too; that second round of swearing is a dead giveaway. [LESS LAUGHTER THAN BEFORE, EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE GUY AGAIN] Yep, he’s going for it! Bob is up and weaving his way across the darkened room, barely missing the bed and bureaus. Ooh, that was a close one. Wait — I think Cheryl may have heard that creaking floorboard … [EXCITED MURMURRING] OK, she’s still asleep, for now. Be careful, Bob.

All right, he’s made it to the bathroom! [HOOTING AND HOLLERING] That’s a huge step. Now, he’s hesitating here, but I can’t blame him: he’s extremely wobbly. That bodes well for his sleep, but not for his aim. [SNICKERING?] What’s he gonna do? Oh, he’s sitting down. [DEFINITELY SNICKERING] Smart move, Bob. And look at the relief on that face! [LAUGHTER; FULL-ON CACKLING FROM EASILY AMUSED GUY] Crisis averted. But remember, Bob may have a happy bladder now, but he still has to run the gauntlet back to bed.

OK, he’s up and flushing, and — ooh, not washing his hands. [GROANS] Well, he’s barely awake, right? He’s moving again, and he’s dodged that creaky floorboard this time. Nice. Almost there, and he’s still half-asleep — I think he’s gonna make it … [DISAPPOINTED OOOHS] Oh, and he stubbed his toe on the nightstand! No! He was doing so well! Now he’s hopping and swearing, and —

Good Lord, he’s fallen on the bed! [ROARING LAUGHTER] Right on top of Cheryl, and she is beating him senseless! [ALL-OUT HOWLING] Ouch! Well, they’re both wide awake now, and she is seriously pissed. Looks like Bob is off to the couch to watch old sitcoms until the sun comes up. Better luck next time!


All right everybody, that’s our show. But we’ll be back tomorrow, sometime in the wee hours of the night, to ask again, “To Pee, or Not to Pee?”

Originally published in Funny Times, November 2019



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Steven Stampone

Humorist. Serious-ist. Supercallafragilisticexpialodoc-ist. You get the gist. for more.