To the People of Israel: A few words of advice on the handling and care of President Donald Trump

US President Donald J. Trump will be visiting your beautiful nation shortly. Before his arrival, we Americans would like to offer you some assistance in making this experience as painless as possible for yourselves and for the rest of the thinking world. We hope you find the list and guidelines listed below helpful while you endure this heinous insult to your people’s incredible history of resolve, strength and dignity in the face of extreme adversity.

1- President Trump is to be fed 6 times per day. Each meal offered must include one Diet Coke, one Big Mac, one large fries. Other acceptable foods for the US President include chicken nuggets, tater tots, pepperoni pizza with the crust cut off and chopped basil leaves arranged in the shape of ‘happy face’, extra-well done steak, macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, Danimals yogurt and Lunchables but only if comes with a prize designated for “boys”. Please be sure to serve a selection of dipping sauces for any fresh fruit or vegetables you may present to the President as he doesn’t eat raw, unprocessed food. It is important to note that the President must be served first at any table no matter whose home in which he is dining and he must receive exactly twice the portion size anyone else receives. He demands the biggest, best and ‘most’ in all things and mealtimes are no exception.

It will likely be best to simply not tell him he’s eating Kosher food or even mention Kashrut as he harbors a deep seeded fear of foreign foods and words he didn’t invent. We find it easiest to simply indulge the President’s culinary requests since it is quite literally the only thing he asks for that the average person can afford; that is to say, his child-like diet is cheap and our nation is so broke we can’t even afford to fix Flint’s water issue so saving money is a priority. After all, over 26 million Americans are about to go bankrupt due to the cost of healthcare being more than most peoples’ annual salary. To save time, reduce stress and conserve our dwindling financial assets, simply provide him a private, single car lane at the nearest American fast food chain, ensuring it is open 24/7 and staffed with fair skinned Caucasian males speaking Southern American style English. (See Sessions/Huckabee accent guides)

2- Meals must be presented on brightly colored plastic plates preferably depicting a happy, peaceful woodland scene or any one of thousands of portraits of the President, like the one he purchased for $20,000.00 using his organizations’ funds which is fraudulent due to non-profit tax codes but nobody cares about the small things anymore.

Spoons and forks may be provided but we suggest knives be withheld as the President has great difficulty cutting his meat on his own since he eats it only after it is grossly overcooked and rendered hockey-puck like. Also, please consider that the President is extremely sensitive to his unusually small hands so asking him to cut tough meat is akin to asking him to expose himself, unveiling other disproportionately small appendages. This would be nothing short of catastrophic. We find it easiest to serve him pre-cut meat or foods he can eat with minimal dexterity, all things considered. 
 
 Glasses and stemware are not necessary as the President prefers juice boxes, cans and sippy cups depicting his image which can be found in the one gift shop in the Port Authority still selling his wares.

3- The President requires no less than 8 compliments per hour to keep his delicate ego and paper thin skin from becoming agitated. We have taken the liberty of compiling some canned compliment prompts that have proven very effective at keeping the President’s temper tantrums to a minimum:

-mention his glowing, radiant tangerine hue or ask about his stylish hair
 -compliment his eldest daughter’s sexual appeal using phrases like “hot piece of ass” 
 -suggest his was the biggest inauguration in world history, bigger than any coronation ever
 -compliment him on his mature and discerning food palate at all 6 meals daily (see meal prep info above)
 -engage the President in conversation about his friendship with convicted pedophile and likely-kidnapper Jeff Epstein, complimenting him on his skill in avoiding those same charges (to date, anyway)
 -heap praise on his articulation and public speaking skill
 -thank him for giving the world the phrase ‘priming the pump’
 -offer him gratitude for his handling of the growing wave of anti-semitism rising steadily in America since he scored the GOP nomination
 -suggest Israel could stand to learn a lot from his ‘big, really good brain” and his “good German blood’ and his genetic predisposition for winning
 -If all else fails, just use words like “yuge, tremendous, great, good, big and terrific”. We find this strategy works more often than not.

4- President Trump is not to be exposed to women who would not meet his requirements for a “10” or at least an “8”. To this end, we highly suggest you keep young women in safe lodgings, far removed from the President and his staff. We realize the absurdity of this but our reality is what it is. The President has great disdain for women he considers an affront to his ideal aesthetic so he will not take kindly to being forced to interact with a level 1–7 woman no matter her rank or position. As you probably saw, he pouted the entire time he was forced to sit with Ms. Angela Merkel during her recent visit to the U.S., a woman we Americans consider a 10 in all the ways that matter. He refused a handshake and even presented her with a made up bill requiring payments for nothing at all. We presume he was attempting to have Ms. Merkel pay a fine of sorts for being under 5'10, over 100lbs and over age 35. It’s also likely he was trying to punish her for being a woman. We find it best to simply keep President Trump away from as many females as possible. His own wife knows this. Now you do.

5- President Trump is to be put down for no less than 2 naps per day. Between his post-breakfast snack but before his pre-lunch snack, read to him from any book he paid a shill to write for or about him. We usually resort to The Art of the Deal. He finds this calming and reassuring. If possible, have Jared Kushner read to the President after your staff tucks him in. If Jared isn’t available, the President’s other live-in nanny, his daughter/love interest/sex symbol icon/decider of when/if/how America faux-bombs Syria in a publicity stunt will do in a pinch. Don’t leave them unattended or alone behind closed doors, though. We have a nagging suspicion the resulting scenario would offend your G-D and frankly, all decent human beings on the planet. Better to play it safe and take measures to prevent unnatural things from taking place on your sacred soil. Leave that to us. We deserve it having let this happen to the world.

Second nap should take place during the daily White House presser. We find it helps to slip one of the President’s various prescription anxiety or sleeping medications into his post-lunch, pre-dinner snack to counter the effect of the President’s morning prescribed meds. They usually leave him jittery and prone to overreactions. If he balks over naptime, try offering some pudding and have Ivanka feed it to him herself. Do this about 30–45 minutes before the presser to allow sufficient time for the medication to work. It will be best for you and for everyone if the President is awakened to the already filtered and edited version of the actual presser you can find on an approved news source. See below.

6- President Trump is not to read or view any legitimate news sources from any nation. He is on an extremely strict and rigid diet of right-wing propaganda. Any exposure to credible news coverage pertaining to him, his administration, his businesses, his senility, learning disabilities, erectile dysfunction, obesity, inept governance, his criminal ties to organized crime, his multiple bankruptcies, scams, law suits, allegations of sexual assault by literally dozens of women, fraudulent university, money laundering, blackmailing, collusion with American enemies, treason, fraudulent hotels in Azerbaijan and other nations related to the IRG, draft deferments, mentions of numerous traitors and registered foreign agents in his employ, obstruction of justice, violations of RICO, FISA, FARA acts, his repeated defeats in US Federal courts, his failed Muslim ban, his unethical and criminal healthcare reductions, the extreme waste of tens of millions of dollars taken from America’s tax payers to fund his weekend gold trips for which he bills the US despite owning the very properties he’s visiting, the hiring or firing of Flynn, any mention of Sally Yates, James Clapper or James Comey, Trump goods being manufactured in China despite his demand that Americans buy and sell goods made only in America, Saturday Night Live or NBC, his Tweets and the word “impeachment.” On that note, we prefer he doesn’t discover what impeachment is or what acts he has committed that fall under the legal definition. The longer he remains ignorant, the more often he commits impeachable offenses, thus making it easier for our Department of Justice to do their jobs in carrying out the massive, unprecedented investigations into him and about 50 of his associates, many of whom hold positions of delicate nature within his White House administration. Surely, the good people of Israel can see our Justice Department is our only hope in surviving the coup underway in my beloved city of Washington, D.C.

As you can see, the list of topics to be avoided in regards to media coverage is extensive. It’s impossible for the President to decipher mainstream news on his own. Any attempt by the President to watch, read or hear the news in its entirety results in extreme emotional distress for Trump. He is highly prone to fits of rage, threats against perceived enemies which is nearly everyone alive except for Ivanka and Putin, the only living human beings he praises relentlessly. He has a great fondness for Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Andrew Jackson and Kim Jong-whichever nutty dictator is holding DPRK hostage right now, though.

Trump’s poorly educated fan base has unwittingly provided the world with three “news” sources that are acceptable for the President to consume. He may watch (with supervision) Fox News but please don’t mention the many executives and on-air talent that have been fired for sexual harassment charges nor is it at all advisable to inform Trump that the FBI has an open case against the entire network. He would likely become unglued as he seems to be soothed by the belief that Fox News is not only truthful and credible but that it reflects America’s reality and the general opinion of our population. The President operates daily on the belief he is loved and adored by all and shedding light on the ludicrousness of that will only hasten his ultimate unraveling. We care about you, Israel, so spare yourselves the ordeal of a Trump Temper Tantrum and avoid any mainstream, legit news that may contradict his astoundingly false notions of his popularity.

The President may also binge watch InfoWars and Brietbart though they are not news at all. It is with our sincerest and deepest apologies that we ask you, the cradle of Judaism, to allow a Nazi-sympathizer owned and operated media to air on your soil but honestly, the Earth is better off staving off World War 3 so despite the grand insult to your people, this sacrifice would be for the greater good of all mankind.

Conversely, you can easily distract President Trump from consuming too much news of any sort by airing the film, “Home Alone 2” during prime time TV viewing hours. Hire aides to watch with him and instruct them to react positively and to greatly exaggerate his brief appearance in said movie. It would not be unwise to stretch the truth so much so that he may believe he was the lead actor and delivered an Oscar Award worthy performance

However, while watching “Home Alone 2”, it is advisable to insult the Plaza Hotel. The Plaza is a New York City landmark and one of the most famous hotels in the world. I myself am more than familiar with this outstanding hotel and its incomparable new Legacy Suites which I can confirm are tastefully appointed and exceptional in every way, far greater than any lodgings in any Trump hotel anywhere in the world. Also to be noted are the residences at The Plaza for sale or rent, which exceed any and all expectations one might have when considering luxury real estate. No other hotel in all of New York City can compare to The Plaza hotel. Worth mentioning here is that President Trump once owned the Plaza, having purchased it for nearly one billion American dollars. As with most Trump products and ventures, it fell into a state of disrepair, having been redecorated to suit the President’s gaudy, new-money, low-brow taste and the hotel quickly became a money pit, losing its then pristine reputation. Donald Trump was forced to sell what he referred to as his “masterpiece”, his greatest achievement other than ‘making’ a perfect specimen of a women, his eldest daughter. The Plaza Hotel is a very sensitive subject with President Trump since it’s a daily reminder of his many, many failures. Don’t mention it but do show the film. For the sake of peace, just have your aides tell President Trump The Plaza as depicted in the film looks “really, really gross, really bad.”. Refrain from comparing that monumental billion dollar loss for Donald Trump to Forrest Gump passing up on buying Apple stock in the famous Tom Hanks film of the same name. Both Trump and Gump blew the opportunity of a lifetime. That isn’t all they have in common. That brings us to the last point.
 
 7- Under no circumstances should anyone, to include aides and media, inquire as to the President’s mental health or physical health status. Because Trump is very advanced in age and because he has spent 70 years sustained on a diet of fast food and soda he suffers from multiple neurological issues. He shows clear signs of being learning disabled and possibly mentally handicapped. It is likely he has some form of dementia though he is unaware, naturally. We advise becoming familiar with the Dunning-Kruger Effect to better equip yourselves to handle this delicate, fragile senior citizen we somehow elected with the apparent help of his Russian lenders to whom he is likely beholden for over $100,000,000.00 to the White House.

Perhaps it us, we Americans in our totality who should have our heads examined for allowing the incomparable work of our Founding Fathers to be metaphorically urinated on by a racist, homophobic, sexist xenophobe with a completely absent moral compass who surrounded himself with Nazis, Nazi apologists, white supremacists, traitors, spies, liars, con-artists, murderers, tax evaders, sex offenders and other such unsavory persons. Also worth noting, be advised that the President has a penchant for urinating prostitutes and he is sensitive about his sexual preferences being exposed via Mr. Steele and the now infamous dossier. It’s in your best interest as a nation and as a people to simply feign ignorance about this and refrain from opining or inquiring on the issue. We’re stuck with Trump until our Justice Dept restores the rule of law on which our nation was founded but you need not suffer it. 
 
 8- The last instruction we would like to give is not much of an instruction at all so much as it is a plea. You are under no obligation to host this man or welcome him into your country. You do not have to play along and pretend this is all normal

It is not normal. None of this is normal.

You would all be well within reason, especially in light of the grievous offense committed in the Oval Office this very week where President Trump divulged highly classified information to Russian officials in what is undoubtedly the most obvious crime ever committed in the White House and we are well aware that is saying a lot. This event has extreme impacts on your nation and we know it. We are painfully aware of everything despite how it might appear beyond our still unwalled borders. We understand completely what an absolute affront to Israel it was to share that information in the manner in which it was shared. Trump once again proved beyond any shadow of doubt just how much respect he has for Israel and for Jewish people everywhere, which is none. He has no respect for you or your country or your values or the pacts and formalities that exist in the world of diplomacy. In fact, it’s fair to say the President has no respect for anything or anyone, least of all us, the people he is leading straight into a nation-changing civil war and quite possibly into a global war. 
 
 This is where the satire ends and I openly plea for the leaders of the world to help America. We are hemorrhaging and the blood being spilled is the fabric of our democratic system. We are under attack from within and there is an active coup in the White House. What we don’t know is who is behind it. Is our President so inept and mentally incapable of deploying common sense that he is nothing more than a stooge who is handing American policy over to Russia? Is the coup itself a ruse? We are running out of people we trust. We have a handful of Senators, a sprinkling of Congressmen and Congresswomen worth a damn as they’ve all suffered from a bizarre illness rendering their spines ineffective. They are so afflicted with this sudden onset lack of morality, decency and voice they won’t even face us, their constituents. They must be very sick indeed to be hiding on Capitol Hill watching the nation burn. They are the greatest disappointment of my lifetime. They don’t deserve this nation as it was intended and they do not deserve their jobs. We can’t fire them. though. Not yet.

We have only a few patriots, people loyal to America’s principles and not to a funded and lucrative political party. The clock is ticking and we are running out of time. 
 
 Please, I implore and beg you all, anyone reading, to come forward with anything that might hasten the processes in place meant to restore law to this nation. We the people are NOT accepting this without a fight. We the people are NOT amused or entertained or ignorant or indifferent. We ARE feeling powerless and we are exhausting our stores of hope. Now is the time to speak up, be a whistleblower. There are safe channels for whistleblowers. At least there are now, on this day. We can’t know what tomorrow brings as you undoubtedly are aware of the mindboggling speed at which our Constitutional Rights are being chipped away. Hour by hour we goosestep closer still to a dictatorship, a kleptocracy or worse, we’re being sold and traded for oil and hotels and debt forgiveness. For the personal gain of a few wicked men who remain unchecked and out of control. 
 If America dies, the whole world changes.

If America falls to our common enemies, the whole world is in danger. 
 
 
 Please come forward with information our Justice Dept can use.

Anyone.

Anywhere.