Tom Brady Ready To Dominate the Shit Out of Civilian Life
Tom Brady, one of the greatest players in NFL history, has recently announced his retirement after an astounding 22-year career, highlighted by 7 Super Bowl titles, 10 Super Bowl appearances, 5 Super Bowl MVPs, 3 NFL MVPs and 15 Pro Bowl selections.
The 45-year-old quarterback and future Hall of Famer, put an end to the rumors and thanked fans, teammates, and family for all their support over his illustrious career. He said he was proud of what he accomplished on the field, and was excited to take his winning mentality to civilian life where he plans on also totally dominating the complete shit out of.
“I’ve been blessed with so much success in my professional life, but now it’s time to show the world what else Tommy B can do. Just because I’ve walked away from football doesn’t mean I don’t have that competitive fire anymore, so I’m anxious to show what else I can be great at. They say winning isn’t easy, but too be honest, I’ve never really understood what that means. Is that even English?”
The former Patriot and Buccaneer, who leaves as the career leader in yards passing (84,520) and TDs (624), continued to say that there were many normal, everyday activities that he was looking forward to thoroughly dominating to show everyone that he is in fact the one, true, omnipotent force in the universe.
“Mowing the lawn, cleaning the eavestroughs, getting groceries — I don’t care what it is, I’m gonna prove I’m the GOAT. Just today I saw my neighbor Todd on his John Deere doing what he thought was a pretty good job at cutting the grass, but I’ve already figured out how to do it better. After studying the grass formations and reading the location of the trees, shrubs, and the gazebo, I’m expecting to march this riding mower down the field in record time.”
Asked if he felt he was being a little too competitive considering retirement was supposed to be a relaxing time in a person’s life, Brady grabbed our microphone and started interviewing us, asking remarkably insightful questions for someone who’s never had formal training as a reporter.
At press time, Brady was busy helping our cameraperson come to terms with their unresolved childhood trauma, before convincing them to finally make that long overdue phone call to re-connect with their birth parents.
