Top 11 Things to do When Life Gives You Lemons
Lemons may be bitter but life doesn’t have to be, baby!
- Write a humble brag about it on facebook: “Hey, guys, I have to admit that I feel truly blessed that out of all the billions of people in the world, life chose ME to give all these lemons. I am truly humbled by this distinguished honor!” Sit back and watch your post win the internet because people love humble brags, baby!
- Build Citrus-based Pyramid: Recruit ten other people, have them order their lemons in bulk directly from you, teach them to resell your highly-marked-up lemons to all their friends and then take a hefty percentage of each sell they and their entire network make.
- Borrow a white dinner plate from Dr. Gachet, place five of the lemons on it, telling them to be still, paint their portrait in broad brush strokes, name it ‘Still Life with Lemons on a Plate’ by Vincent Van Gogh.* Die impoverished, wait approximately a century for fame and acclaim.
*works best if very artistic (and actually Vincent Van Gogh)
4. Give them back to life, loudly lambasting life for being a commie-libtard- leftist socialist for dishing out all these lemons that you did not even earn yourself. Boycott all places that give lemons away. Because nobody deserves free lemons!
5. Cancel your scurvy plans because hey, now you have all these lemons!
6. Cut them up, infuse a bottle of cheap vodka, offer it to your Russian friends while colluding to steal a U.S. Presidential Election. Lie about ever having received lemons or help from the Russians. Await Mueller investigation.
7. Consider making them into a tasty beverage to sip while you write a citrus-based beverage eponymous album (Caveat: May work best if Beyoncé).
8. Call up Hasbro and complain: “Listen, Hasbro, how am I supposed to play The Game of Life™ with lemons? These aren’t even the right pieces!” Leave strongly-worded no-star Yelp review.
9. Interrogate life. “Life, why lemons? Why me? Why are lemons? Why am I? What is the very point and meaning of existence?” If life does not answer the questions, ridicule life for not being able to learn by way of the Socratic Method. Tell life that the unexamined life is not worth living. Have last laugh. Literally.
10. Design your own t-shirts: ‘Mom gave me life and all I got were these lousy lemons.’ List them on Etsy. Reap your humongous financial windfall, retire to your own private island.
11. Embrace the munificence of life for giving you lemons as an opportunity for introspective existential reflection. Become at one with the lemons as you note the harmony and similitude of both yourself and lemons being perishable items.
If you’re not too busy juggling lemons, why not consider adding some citrus-scented claps?
For some further irreverent fun, you might like the taste of these 99.9% citrus-free pieces (may contain peanuts):
My Dog Reviews 10 Great Books He’s Eaten
Some very tasty literature
Hemingway rewrites “Frosty the Snowman”
The Cold Man and the Season: A snowman can be destroyed but not defeated.
Deceased Literary Lions Disrupt Your Thanksgiving
(or How fictional characters from The Canon shoot off their mouths at Thanksgiving)
Space Available: Sorry, extra space, it’s over
There’s only room for one space in my heart now