Totally Reasonable Terms and Conditions For Your Time Machine
I confirm that I have read and understood the Terms and Conditions.
Dear customer,
You are the proud owner of an apparatus that allows you to wrap the time-space continuum in any possible direction. We guarantee 110% satisfaction as long as you follow our totally reasonable terms and conditions.
Before we start, use your time machine to give your 2-hours-ago-self a pat on the back for deciding to invest in this machine. You deserve it.
Andddd… you have already violated Rule 1 of time traveling.
Take your finger from the button and read all the rules, buffoon, before the time-traveling police busts your caboose. They are dangerous, they are sadistic and they can beat your ass up ten minutes ago.
Rule 1 of Time Traveling
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MEET YOURSELF, see yourself, talk to yourself, think of yourself, call yourself or even scratch yourself in the past or in the future.
No personal timeline changes. Your life sucks for one simple reason: You. No one wants to double this effect. You visiting past-you or future-you would only result in unimaginable timeline alterations such as your goldfish dying, you burning down a banana plantation or even worse peeing your pants in front of your primary school classmates.
Punishment: In case of non-compliance the time-traveling police will untravel you back to the present, arrest you and will imprison you for 2 months with a therapist. Did you want to meet yourself? Now you will really “meet” yourself.
Rule 2 of Time Traveling
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO ALTER THE GLOBAL HISTORY.
Our pet peeve is saving baby Adolf Hitler from maniacs who want to put him in the oven or drown him in mercury. Other popular forbidden past personalities are Cleopatra, Lenin and Britney Spears from the 90s. We have already examined all alternative realities and trust us worst things would happen to humankind if Hitler did not start a World War or — god forbid — Britney did not shave her head.
Punishment: In case of non-compliance the time-travelling police will untravel you back to the present, arrest you and will imprison you for 2 months with David Hasselhoff. Yes, the punishment is real-life Hoffing.
Rule 3 of Time Traveling
NO LOTTERY NUMBERS. No betting. No weather forecast. No stock market insights.
You are not allowed to use information that has material monetary impact in your personal financials. Imagine if everyone did the same: The global inflation would be funnier than a pirate with two eye patches.
Punishment: In case of non-compliance the time-traveling police will untravel you back to the present, arrest you and will imprison you for 2 months with a group of middle-aged pensioners addicted to Bingo.
Rule 4 of Time Travelling
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO VISIT ANY OF YOUR FORMER EROTIC PARTNERS IN THE PAST OR THE FUTURE.
After conducting 15 years of experiments, we realized that traveling back in time to punish your ex-boyfriend would not make disappear either the chlamydia or the fact that he cheated on you for two years with your best friend Betty. Result: You are both cheated, with chlamydia and a time traveling convict.
Punishment: In case of non-compliance the time-traveling police will untravel you back to the present, arrest you and imprison you for two months with your ex-boyfriend and Betty. And you all have chlamydia.
Rule 5 of Time Traveling
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DRIVE A DELOREAN.
All references to Back to Future are forbidden. No further comments.
Punishment: In case of non-compliance the time-traveling police will confiscate your Dellorian, arrest you and will imprison you for 2 months with a computer that can only use Bing to search the web.
Rule 6 of Time Traveling
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GO BACK IN TIME TO UNBUY THE TIME MACHINE.
No refunds, bitch. It was in the fine print. Watch carefully where you sign.
Punishment: In case of non-compliance the time-traveling police will untravel you back to the present, arrest you and force you to buy a second time machine in credit. #affiliatemarketing
This is all. Spend enough time familiarizing yourself with our totally reasonable terms and conditions. In case of need, travel back in time to convince yourself to memorize the rules by heart.
Andddd… you are again violating Rule 1.
Good luck being a time traveling fugitive.
Chris Nicolaus
CEO of The time traveling Company Inc
Est: 2208 AD
Tel: WE-WILL-CALL-U-YESTERDAY
