Transcript from My Toddler’s Morning Circle Zoom Call During COVID-19
Teacher’s Pet: I’m here. Can everyone see me? Can EVERYONE see me? I’m so excited to have circle time over Zoom.
Naked Toddler: I’m not wearing pants. Or a shirt. Or underwear.
Busy Toddler: Let’s get started. I have a hard stop. The dog’s tail hasn’t been pulled today. Also, I need to throw things at my little sister.
Toddler-who-pressed-big-shinny-red-mute-button: I can’t see anyone.
Techie Toddler: Someone is sharing their screen. Stop sharing your screen!
Toddler-who-knows-her-ABCs: Did everyone see the color-coded agenda I sent out? I got it from one of the other kids at the park. Apparently, Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter used this schedule. Also I like pink. Anyway, I think it’s important we talk about scheduling temper tantrums before we get to show and tell. I mean, I’m just prioritizing here.
New-manager-toddler: Is that your mom?
Mortified Toddler: Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I told her this room was off-limits.
Teacher’s Pet: (mumbles) That’s so unprofessional.
Toddler-who-pressed-big-shinny-red-mute-button: I still can’t see anyone. Can you guys hear me?
Naked Toddler: I’m not sure about that temper tantrum schedule. Committing to one every hour until we can go back to preschool seems like…. a lot.
Garbled toddler: I — — — tantrum — — —
Teacher’s Pet: Consistency is important.
Toddler-in-Elsa-costume: Call me ELSA!
Hungry Toddler: I need a snack. Whose mom brought snacks?
Toddler-who-pressed-big-shinny-red-mute-button: Can you guys hear me?
Teacher’s Pet: No one’s mom brought snacks. We aren’t even meeting in person!
Toddler-who-knows-her-ABCs: Can we get back to the meeting agenda?
New-manager-toddler: Did someone prepare a deck? We used decks at my old preschool. Can we see the color coded schedule for the rest of quarantine?
Techie Toddler: There’s a lot of background noise. Can everyone please go on mute?
Frantic toddler: Sorry, that’s my mom. She’s home today. Actually, she’s home every day now. So annoying. I’ll ask her to quiet down.
Toddler-in-Elsa-costume: Let it go, let it go!
Naked Toddler: Can we get back to temper tantrums? What’s the minimum viable product here?
Teacher’s Pet: (Eye roll). MVP means something else. I think what you’re asking is how many temper tantrums you need to throw a day for your parents to give up the will to live.
Busy Toddler: We can see you. Stop picking your nose!
Nose Picker: But you said there were no snacks!
Late toddler: Sorry I’m late! Lego time went long. What did I miss?
New-manager-toddler: I just want to add that the new guy has been doing some great work. He hit the ground running — I mean not literally, since he’s a baby — but he’s crying all the time. Mom and dad haven’t showered in a week.
Busy Toddler: I’ve got another call, so I’m going to need to make this quick. Here’s my show-and-tell. It’s pink. (Holds up mom’s vibrator).
Toddler-in-Elsa-costume: (Bursts into tears). I was going to show my mom’s cool stick!
Toddler-who-knows-her-ABCs: I’ve got the slide up now. Can everyone see it?
Toddler-who-pressed-big-shinny-red-mute-button: What does this red button do? (Ends call)
