Brian Pinaire
May 10, 2018 · 4 min read

Donald J. Trump and Some Other Guy

with a new Introduction by the author

Since I’m now President of the United States, I’ve been asked to write a new Introduction to my Number One Best-Selling Book of All Time in the World, The Art of the Deal. At first, I said: No Way! Because I’m much too busy. And because I didn’t even write this book in the first place. But the publisher kept bugging me — pleading, “Mr. President, please? The People love you!” So then I agreed, because they’re obviously right about that.

The thing you need to know about me is that I’m Great. And my Greatness extends to everything I do. Everything I touch. I’m like King Midas, but with Greatness. Why am I so Great? Instincts. I have the best instincts. I don’t waste time thinking about things. I just decide something and that’s it. Bingo. Perfecto. As I said the first time I didn’t write this book, “I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about what I should have done differently, or what’s going to happen next.” I just shoot from the hip, hit something, and then say that that something was my target all along.

I learned how to be Great at an early age. When I was young, I liked to stir things up — liked to “test people,” as Some Other Guy said in the first edition of this book that’s sold more copies than The Bible. People who read The Art of the Deal thirty years ago made a fuss over how I said that, when I was in 2nd grade, I punched my music teacher. But why? So what? He had it coming. Like Some Other Guy explained for me, I tend to “make my opinions known in a very forceful way.” That means I don’t take any crap. And it’s why I’m perfect for this job. I was born to stand at the bully pulpit.

My personal life is Great too. Do you remember the 1980s, when I was with that wife who shall remain nameless? You know — the one we’ll call Ivana even though she was so terrible she doesn’t deserve a name. Well, I divorced her. She was the worst. Sure, on the first occasion where I didn’t write this book I called her my “wonderful wife.” But she wasn’t. She wasn’t wonderful at all. Even then I wanted to call her Insane Ivana because, even then, I gave the Greatest nicknames.

After I dumped her she got even crazier and turned into Lyin’ Ivana, telling the New York Daily News that I “verbally abused” her. Lies. All lies. Fake news. I’ve never verbally abused anyone. Which is why I denied all that stuff, even though I did give her some money so she’d go away.

After that, I didn’t waste any time Making Marriage Great Again, although my second wife was rather forgettable. Hot, but forgettable — which is why I’ve forgotten her.

Anyhow, the third time’s a charm, right? I’m now married to the love of my life, Melania. And let me tell you, she is a wonderful wife. The wonderfullest. Wonderful mother, too. Back in 1987, when Some Other Guy was following me around and jotting down my Great thoughts, I declared that “being a father gets easier” as kids get older. And I still believe that. Way easier. Of course, I didn’t do anything for the kids back then, because kid stuff is women’s work. I left all that junk to Insane Ivana, The Forgettable One, and our seventeen nannies.

Have you heard about my Great kids? Donny is a chip off the old block. He’s an expert at secret meetings and emails he doesn’t know about. He’s also expanded our business connections in Asia, although I forget which parts. As for Ivanka, boy is she hot! I know I’m her dad and all, but that Jared sure is a lucky guy. Amirite? Ivanka’s Great at making clothes, and she also advises me on Woman stuff. That’s good, because I love Women. Meanwhile, Jared helps with . . . well, I’m not sure what Jared does, honestly. Whatever Sheldon tells him to do, I guess.

Oh, and then there’s Eric.

But my favorite kid is Barron. He’s a Great boy with an even Greater name. Not just his last name, which is perfect, but his first name. I named him Barron because I used to battle with Barron Hilton, son of Conrad Hilton — you know, the hotel people. Everyone who has read The Art of the Deal knows Barron Hilton was always saying no to me. Which made me REALLY MAD — so mad, in fact, that I decided to have another kid and then name him Barron. That way, I could say things like “Barron, you will obey me!” And “Barron, sell me that land right now, dammit!” I haven’t checked in with Barron in a while, because I’ve been busy fixing America, but I’m sure he’ll be punching his teachers soon enough. It’s what the Great Ones do.

Well, that’s my new Introduction to the bestest book that would have won a Pulitzer Prize if they gave those things to books that were actually good. Like I promised I would thirty years ago, I’m happy to have found some “creative ways to give back some of what I’ve gotten.” You’re welcome, America.

The Honorable Donald J. Trump,

45th President of the United States

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Brian Pinaire

Written by

Brian Pinaire is the author of the two best books you've never read, plus dozens of articles that range from hilarious to boring as hell.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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