Trump Boasts of Tax Reform, Tweet Storms, Spits Food Debris
President Trump smiled broadly as he shoved aside a stammering clog of men booted off the air for sexual impropriety as he made the rounds this week to boast about the tax reform bill that will end all taxes for all time. Stopping just long enough to taunt the former news anchors, he seemed in high spirits.
“Oh, hey, losers. Don’t apologize. BRAG!” He quipped, while groping and leering at a CNN office intern who declined to be humiliated further.
Reporters stuffing microphones toward the orange outrage tossed out questions about the tax cuts aimed at freeing oppressed billionaires from having to pay for their own second yachts.
“Some of my friends, good friends, you know. People are saying hard working men — important men — will be freed from unfair regulations and the humiliation of riding in second hand golf carts that have already been sat in. It happened once to me. Imagine. Believe me, you don’t know pain until you yourself… Are those bacon burgers for me?”
A fresh-faced reporter seized on the president’s gluttony for bacon cheeseburgers to steer the conversation to the hefty losses in Medicaid, Medicare and other health services at risk, asking about whether the tax cuts for the super wealthy will significantly cut into working people’s ability to pay for inevitable heart attacks and ice cream binge episodes leading to despair, homelessness and victim blaming.
“Mr. President, are you at all concerned that hard working Americans will lose many credits, or pay more later on for basic needs?”
The president grabbed the interviewer, Tabitha Blabitha, by her blouse sleeve.
“Not at all concerned,” He said, adding “I think you got some of your blouse on my grease. That was mine. Your network is fake news anyway. But. I like you. It’s okay.” He patted her affectionately while she stumbled away to shower as soon as she could.
Another interviewer stepped in.
“You are not concerned that some people won’t like these tax cuts?”
“Not at all concerned. These cuts are like a big, beautiful Christmas packages that people think they are getting. It’s like when we gave all those beautiful beads to what’s her name, Pocahontas. People will love this. Believe me. By the way, Pocahontas — they call her Pocahontas — is a very nasty woman. She talked tax code in World War II and she blew it. Believe me.”
“Speaking of Pocahontas, what about the latest accusations of racial and/or sexual/and/or financial/election/Nationalist racism, Dotard-Gate malfeasance?”
“Witch hunt. Pure and simple. There was no Mall. No Feces. He denies it. I didn’t ride a bus. Lying. Fake news. Did you see the crowd numbers of those Americans who like the word “Tax Cuts?”
“Off the charts. Tremendous. They love it. They’re so happy. It’s like the Muslim ban, only even more popular. Did you see those violent Muslims who were only stopped by my brave tweets?”
Completely confused, and shaking their heads vigorously to try to make eye rolls and unhinged bits of nonsensical verbal shrapnel congeal into some kind of intelligible sentences, the reporters made their way out off of the set.
At that moment Mr. Trump noticed a tray of cookies and shoved aside a waiting guest. Juan Manuel Santos, Nobel Prize winner, had been patiently waiting to tape the next segment.
“I thought your play, about Hamilton, was a disgrace.” Trump garbled. “Disgusting. What kind of American do you think you are?” He spat incoherently, while cookie crumbs spewed over the baffled world leader and president of Columbia.
