The Haven
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The Haven

Trump Defense: Toilet Roll Shortage Forced Him to Use Classified Documents in White House Bathroom

Rearguard action to counter potential “crappergate” scandal.

Photo by Elle Hughes on Pexels

Donald J. Trump used strips of classified documents as toilet paper while in office because ordinary Americans were suffering the indignities of a severe toilet roll shortage. As a man of the people, he wanted to share their pain. This argument, laid out in a confidential memo from legal advisers, could be used by the former president in response to the publication of photos that purport to show classified documents dumped in White House toilets.

To further bolster his defense, Trump could also emphasize that Presidential toilet paper was available at the time, but he chose not to use it. The type of toilet paper used by US presidents is classified information (which was in one of the documents he flushed away) but is thought to be special ultra-cushioned, six-ply rolls embossed with the Presidential seal and pre-tested by the Secret Service.

Meanwhile, an investigation by the US Department of Justice into White House toilet habits grinds on. The DoJ could subpoena the White House plumber, who was called out multiple times at the cost of thousands of dollars to unblock toilets. In an unofficial interview the plumber said he can’t fully remember what was in the documents he retrieved, “but there were bits of paper with something about nuclear missile launch codes and other stuff on them.”

More damning evidence could come from a White House aide, who is apparently helping the DoJ with its investigation. She maintains that one of her jobs was to cut classified documents into squares for use in Presidential bathrooms. Apparently, the President would read the squares before using them. “It was the only way we could get him to read,” she said.

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K. B. Cottrill

K. B. Cottrill

Constantly losing the main plot while finding quirkier ones to write about for print, stage, and screen.