Trump Indicted for Puppy Torture, GOP Rallies Behind Him
Former American President Donald J Trump was indicted today for animal abuse, following the release of five videos showing the leading candidate for the 2024 Republican Presidential nomination tearing limbs off newborn puppies and then stuffing them, alive, into washing machines.
The indictment, based on several videos, on supporting interviews with former Trump aides, and on secret audio recordings made by his wife Melania, was released today in the Southern District of Florida.
Republican figures were quick to support the popular media figure, asserting that this was yet another witch-hunt by the Democrat party, and pointing out that video can now be faked.
Asked about the recordings made by Melania Trump, Congressman Jim Jordan (R-OH) pointed out that, in his opinion, this was the opening battle in a divorce proceeding, and “unhappy women will do pretty much anything. And Melania’s not American.”
Asked about the seven Trump aides’ confirmatory statements, Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO) said that corrupt prosecutors will do anything to obtain statements against Trump, and added that this attack makes him, if anything, more supportive of the embattled candidate. “Everyone knows that disgruntled former staff love to make accusations,” said Hawley.
Senator Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) declined to comment, saying she has not yet been able to confirm the breed of the tortured dogs, and noting that context was important and that we are all entitled to a presumption of innocence.
Former Trump Vice President and current Republican Presidential Candidate Mike Pence stated that he believed puppy torture was, in principle, un-Christian, but pointed to the many accomplishments of the Trump Presidency in arguing “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Pence added that Republican Senator Mitt Romney had once transported a dog in a carrier on the roof of his car, adding that President Biden’s father was well-known to have used an uncomfortable leash on his dog, and that Biden had not protested that, despite being present in his father’s house daily when he was five years old.
President Biden has declined to comment on this story.
Interviewed at Mar-a-Lago, his home and popular South Florida club, Trump denied having ever met the puppies, and suggested that Democrats had been abusing animals “since the time of Jesus, who I love and they hate. Just hate.” Trump added, “I love puppies and would never harm them. In fact, I was giving those very puppies the best food they’d ever had. Great food. Nice puppies.”
Trump is due to have a televised town hall on CNN tonight, in front of an audience of serial killers carefully selected by the network for political balance. Host Anderson Cooper has come under attack from several leading Republican figures, who have accused him of visiting a Washington, DC, basement pizza parlor in which he allegedly abused more than forty children, using them in Satanic rituals. “Are they nuts?” was all Cooper had to say when questioned by this reporter. A non-denial, it goes without saying.
