Trump Likens Mueller Probe To Arthur Miller Play
Erudite POTUS Peppers Critique With Literary References, Aphorisms
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hot on the heels of his trip to Argentina, President Trump fielded questions regarding fresh evidence of a coordinated effort by his 2016 presidential campaign and Russian intelligence to undermine the election in his favor, specifically, fresh evidence of a quid pro quo. As part of a guilty plea, Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen admitted to lying to Congress, having denied the existence of a Trump Tower Moscow project. Mr. Cohen revealed that not only was the Trump Organization working with businesses with close ties to the Kremlin, not only had the Trump Organization contacted the Kremlin directly about the development, but the Trump Organization offered a $50 Million penthouse in the development to Russian President Vladimir V. Putin.
“This is a totally unfair witch hunt,” said Mr. Trump, “precisely analogous to Arthur Miller’s masterwork The Crucible, which as you all know, is a very great play, a very great play.”
“At times, I am Tituba, the black slave imprisoned for witchcraft. Tituba clings to the lowest rung on the social ladder like a sailor gripping a life preserver. Still, society decides to kick her. Accused of consorting with The Devil, she is incarcerated, with plans to end her life. Stewing in her cell, Tituba lets slip her sanity, spiraling into despair. Who could resist the siren song of madness, accused of a crime that not only are they not guilty of, but a crime which is impossible by its very nature, as witches do not exist? Surely when faced with the unbearable, madness is respite,” continued Mr. Trump.
“Other times I feel like John Proctor, also featured in the Miller play, a man betrayed by those who work for him. Cast out of his community as a cur and a caitiff, and condemned to hang for witchcraft. Or I am Rebecca Nurse, a harmless elderly woman chosen for no discernable reason other than that she existed,” continued the President, shouting over the whipping blades of Marine One, his eyes gazing beyond the horizon.
“Honestly, I feel as though I am the accused witch from The Duchess of Malfi, and Robert Mueller and his twelve angry Dems are Heinrich Kramer, author of The Malleus Maleficarum, that book which was, for more than a century, the guide to trying and executing accused witches,” he mused, gazing at his wife as if for the last time.
At this, Press Secretary Sarah “ Sarah Huckabee-Sanders” Huckabee-Sanders, Steven Miller, and Melania Trump gathered before the press gaggle.
“All hail to Trump! Hail to thee, Thane of TVs!” said Ms. Huckabee-Sanders.
“All hail to Trump! Hail to thee, Thane of decor!” said Mr. Miller.
“All hail to Trump, that shalt be king hereafter!” said the First Lady.
“No witches here!” said all three, who, with the President, vanished in a flash of fire of brimstone.
