Trump Tackles Amazon
No one gets to be richer than me
The President declared war on Amazon Chairman Jeff Bezos immediately after learning Bezos bested him in every possible measure. An online poll reported that women found Bezos’ bald dome sexier than the bird’s nest sprouting from POTUS’s head. After a stock market glitch triggered by White House interference, European banks bought shares to drive the value higher. Worst of all, Forbes declared Bezos ten times richer than 45.[1]
Rather than attacking with Twitter, POTUS unleashed the power of the White House. He demanded that the Justice Department declare Bezos “Public Enemy №5.”
Attorney General Sessions reportedly asked if he didn’t want to move Bezos to the one or two spot. POTUS replied, “That’s Crooked Hillary. She’s numbers one to four. I won’t give her the satisfaction of dominating the top five.”
When asked what he wanted the FBI to do with Yaser Abdel Said and Santiago Villeba Mederos, the current numbers one and five, Trump instructed Sessions to leave them to ICE. “They’re less crooked and better at their jobs than any of your people.”
Sessions backed through the door before POTUS could add an even more ridiculous demand. Before the door could close, the President called out, “And have them print to posters using that Amazon Print-on-Demand and charge it to the budget. Save the taxpayers a few dollars.”
When asked if Sessions planned to comply with the order, an FBI official said they printed twenty posters on government ink jets to give the President. “The entire justice department will be fired before he figures it out,” he added.
When asked if Sessions planned to comply with the order, an FBI official said they printed twenty posters on government ink jets to give the President. “The entire justice department will be fired before he figures it out.”
Escalating the assault: new tariffs ordered
The war on Amazon escalated when Trump demanded new Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross issue a sixty percent tariff on all Amazon products. “No one gets richer than me,” he is reported to have said, “and this will white that pompous blowhard down to size.” Seized by inspiration he further ordered Ross to “make sure, when you announce it, that he’d putting all the mom and pop stores like Walmart out of business. That’ll be great press.”
“You mean, ‘put the mom and pops out of business like Walmart did in the eighties and nineties?’” Ross clarified.
“No,” the President cut him off, a bite of Big Mac tumbling down his suit. “Tell the truth. Walmart’s the good guys. The small businessman struggling with high taxes and overhead until we slashed his taxes. Bezos is the Evil Empire.”
“Walmart’s the good guys. The small businessman struggling with high taxes and overhead until we slashed his taxes. Bezos is the Evil Empire.”
Ross then questioned whether 45 could declare tariffs on domestic producers. Their meeting ended minutes later, and Ross returned to his office to leave notes for his replacement, rumored to be Fox Broadcaster and blonde Ainsley Earhardt. Earhardt praised the President for calling out Bezos’ bad business practices only that morning.
The President ordered Ross’ former assistant, now acting Secretary, to declare the tariffs before day’s end. Taking a cue from the Justice Department, Commerce issued a press release declaring the tariffs but nothing more.
After announcement, reporters asked Bezos what he thought of POTUS’ economic sanctions on his company.
“Business is like the rain. If our sales go away in America, they’ll pick up in Europe and China,” a bored Bezos replied. When asked what he thought of the President, he told reporters, “Presidents come and go. Amazon grows and grows.”
[1]: 41 times when you count the President’s real worth, and not his “not fake news” worth.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
