Trump Talks Trade With Prince Harry
“I’ll up the ante until the little prince caves in”
Reuters reported that the President offered Prince Harry the First Lady and four million dollars in a trade for fiancé Meghan Markle. According to staff insiders, the Prince laughed the offer off until an aide told him it was real.
The Prince reportedly instructed his assistants, “Send a plastic replica. He won’t know the difference. And he can keep his wife. Trade her for Miss Trailer Park Trash, which is still more than he deserves.”
Within hours the White House raised the offer to “Melania, twelve million dollars, and a second wife to be named later.” When the Prince didn’t reply, the offer increased to “Melania, twenty million dollars, Air Force One, my daughter Tiffany and a third wife to be named later.”
When the Prince didn’t reply, the offer increased to “Melania, twenty million dollars, Air Force One, my daughter Tiffany and a third wife to be named later.”
The Haven verified the story with White House sources who preferred to remain anonymous. “It was fireworks all day,” she confided when I cornered her getting out of her car in parking space 57. “No one wanted to send the message because we could see the papers when the news got out. But he threatened to have us all arrested for refusing to obey a direct order from our Commander in Chief.”
Another anonymous staff member who works two doors down from the Oval Office confided, “The Prince would turn the latest offer down and he’d want to execute one of us for dereliction of duty. In his opinion we didn’t convey the offer right, or the deal would be done. Since he’s the master negotiator.
”I’ll up the ante until the little prince caves in,” the President shouted throughout the day.
Sources on both sides of the Atlantic confirm that the President commissioned a staff artist to paint him with Meghan Markle standing on the Capitol Steps, tried to buy the Manchester United soccer team to make the deal “more up and up,” and even ordered the government printing office to print a special set of trading cards with Melania’s and Markle’s image and stats to help the Prince make up his mind.
“He DMed the Prince directly and suggested he could have the CIA ‘remove Prince William and the kid’ to give him ‘a straight shot at the throne,’” complained a State Department source. “The Palace finally called the White House to tell them not to contact Harry any more. So he asked Melania to take over negotiations. You can bet that bedroom door’s going to be locked for a long time.”
The President suggested he could have the CIA “remove Prince William and the kid” to give him ‘a straight shot at the throne,
“He’s given up for now,” admitted a member of his inner circle. “But who knows how long it will last? He’ll probably watch an episode of Suits on cable and start Tweeting about America’s need for a backup First Lady.” In case I missed the innuendo, he added. “The backup would be Melania.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
