The President’s Santa Balloon didn’t garner the expected response in Thursday’s Macy’s parade. (Jared and Anthony Quintano)

“Trumpaloon” debuts at Macy’s parade

Children react with tears, not cheers

Xavier Rochoa was completely traumatized by the Trumpaloon. (Pixabay)

The surprise unveiling of the new Macy’s Santa balloon, with the President’s face replacing jolly old Saint Nick caused hundreds of children to burst into tears. “Why is Santa so scary?” little Susie Applewhite asked her parents.

Xavier Rochoa, whose family was visiting from Argentina and knows nothing of US politics, murmured, “Santa looks so mean,” over and over again until his tears finally receded with the arrival of the dancing butter people from Wisconsin. Precocious pre-teen Carmella Moore complained that “Santa looked jaundiced like mom’s drunk uncle Howard.”

The Presidential Santa balloon, nicknamed “Trumpaloon” on social media, reportedly upset so many children watching the parade on television that their parents switched the channel. “That fool Trumpaloon was worse than the Janet Jackson nipple slip on the Super Bowl,” Tweeted basketball dad LaVar Ball. “At least then we got to see tit. This time all we saw was TWIT.”

“It was worse than the Janet Jackson nipple slip on the Super Bowl,” Tweeted basketball dad LaVar Ball. “At least then we got to see tit. This time all we saw was TWIT.”

Balloon’s appearance was not requested

“We knew nothing of the change,” said parade organizer N.T. Dark, who has presided over the festivities since 1984. “We were preparing the Santa float last night when a dozen black SUVs surrounded the warehouse and men in black suits commandeered the facility. They wore sunglasses. And it had been dark for two hours.”

No one was allowed to see the repurposed Santa until minutes before the parade when the warehouse opened and government operatives shoved the David Cassidy memorial float aside to position themselves at the front of the line.

“It’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen,” said NBC commentator Savannah Guthrie, thinking she was off mike. “He looks more like he’ll eat kids than give them gifts.”

“It’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen,” said NBC commentator Savannah Guthrie, thinking she was off mike. “He looks more like he’ll eat kids than give them gifts.”

Trauma could be permanent

African American and Hispanic children were the most distressed, especially by the balloon’s recorded chant, “Ho, ho, ho. Slashing taxes for yo’.” The thought that the kindly figure who brings gifts was now the obese tyrant who wants to take their rights made it almost impossible for irritated parents to calm their children down.

Shipwreck victim tuned child psychologist Mary Ann Summers (also shown at the time of her rescue) predicts trauma could be permanent. (Gabbo T. Inset CBS)

“This was major trauma for these kids,” said retired child psychologist Mary Ann Summers. “I was traumatized by being stranded on an island with a wealthy lech and an idiot for three years, and my trauma was nothing compared to what these children will suffer for the rest of their lives.”

Dark said that next year they will make duplicate Santa balloons and move them between undisclosed locations until the beginning of the parade.