Trump’s Revised Merit Badge Requirements for Boy Scouts
Reptile and Amphibian Study
Describe the identifying characteristics and monochrome color pattern of the venomous reptiles and amphibians that inhabit my steaming swamp. Treacherous denizens include Mitch McConnell, Steve Bannon, and Pepe the Frog. List two creatures that are officially protected by the Republican-controlled government (hint: not Jeff Sessions).
Learn about the blight of wind farms and the fundamentals of a good swing. Play a minimum of four 18-hole rounds with your merit badge counselor at one of my 17 courses, and retrieve 100 lost balls from the water hazards.*
*The Trump Organization and Trumpcare are not responsible for injuries sustained while salvage diving, including but not limited to bites from gators, snakes, snapping turtles, and Jeff Sessions.
Skim over the Declaration of Independence. Ignore the section that begins with “We hold these truths to be self-evident” and ends with “to provide new Guards for their future security.” In fact, just ignore the whole thing.
Watch three full episodes of The Apprentice. Write a glowing review of each. Praise my acting, my costumery, my hair and makeup, and my termination skills. Using my latest interview with the failing New York Times as inspiration, write and perform a one-man tragicomedy with a non-sequitur plot line.
Just skip this one, OK?
Discuss how freedom of the press is DISTORTING DEMOCRACY. In your discussion, tell how to distinguish between fact (my tweets) and opinion (FAKE NEWS MEDIA!!!). Define the words libel, slander, defamation, criticism, combover, and unfair. Explain why my newly coined phrase witch hunt has never applied to anyone in the entire world except me.
Go out and buy a big, beautiful yacht from a Saudi arms dealer. Discover what it means to lead a very “interesting” life.
Learn that lots of things are done with uranium, including some bad things. Memorize the nuclear launch codes.
Have Dr. Harold Bornstein — great guy, very smart — give you a physical exam.* Only losers leave without an Rx for Propecia! Explain to your counselor (verbally, not in writing) why well-done steaks make you a bigly man instead of a little sissy like Jeff Sessions. Keep a daily log of your physical activities. Exertion is bad, and TV watching is good. If you take more than 20 steps in 24 hours, you’re a dead AAA battery, and you don’t get a badge, you little shit.
*If you partake in a physical exam, you implicitly consent to donating your perfectly child-sized thumbs to me, should mine inexplicably fall off. Office visits, prescriptions, and thumb amputation are not covered under Trumpcare.
Signs, Signals, and Codes
Decode all 73 of my hand gestures, which I use to covertly communicate with the Kremlin.
Learn about the purpose of space exploration, which is to make me look as cool as JFK. Design a collector’s card, with a nice picture on the front and some stuff on the back, featuring your favorite cosmonaut. Find out if space is infinity. It could be infinity. We don’t really don’t know. But it could be. It has to be something, but it could be infinity, right?
Ask a Girl Scout to bake you a cookie or make you a meatloaf.