Trump’s Upcoming Trials and Marketing Moves, Annotated ;-)[1]
Donald Trump made history yet again when, a day after being slapped with a judgment for fraud totaling nearly half a billion dollars, he announced a new line of the most hideous footwear ever contemplated by humankind. The Former Guy is notoriously difficult to predict, but we know enough about his business prowess to speculate as to how he might try to turn losses in other major cases pending against him into marketing wins. Here, based on the best[2] political science available, are annotated projections for Trump’s big cases paired with his likely product releases in the coming year.
1. New York Hush Money: Trump Jelly Bellies. The day after Trump is sentenced to a year in prison for laundering payments to a porn star, he will announce a line of jellybeans. Now you can have candy that tastes as good as the big man himself! Flavors include autocratic appletini, treasonous tangerine, and full-diaper fairy floss.[3]
2. Georgia Election Interference: MAGA Nesting Dolls. After Trump is sentenced to five years imprisonment for trying to influence election results in Georgia, he holds a press conference at New York’s iconic Russian Tea Room to announce a new line of nesting dolls. Trump promises a “special prize” for anyone who opens all of the dolls. The “special prize” turns out to be an infinite number of smaller…
