Ultimate Cage Match: Care Bears vs Actual Bears

Sarah Totton
Aug 22 · 4 min read
Photo by Tom Larsen at Unsplash

BOB: Hi, folks. It’s a beautiful day here at the Livingston Planetarium and — oh my! Look at all those stars in the sky.

DAN: Those are projections, Bob.

BOB: No, Dan, those are actual stars. You see, the roof of a planetarium is made of a special black lens that lets you see the stars, even in the daytime.

DAN: That’s not how planetariums work, Bob.

BOB: That’s how my parents told me they work.

DAN: Your parents lied to you, Bob. Those stars aren’t real — unlike the contestants in today’s ultimate contest between Care Bears and actual bears. It’s the age-old contest of Nurture versus Nature! Who’s first in the line-up, Bob?

BOB: First up, directly under the Ursa Minor constellation, in aqua faux fur with the crescent moon on his belly is Bedtime Bear. And in the opposite corner, under the Ursa Major constellation is the American black bear (Ursus americanus).

DAN: What’s wrong with the black bear, Bob?

BOB: It appears to be asleep, Dan. We’ll just have the cage attendant give it a poke with a sharp stick and see what happens.

DAN: Apparently, nothing.

BOB: I think it might be hibernating, Dan.

DAN: Wait! Bedtime Bear is approaching the black bear. And he’s…he’s lying down next to the bear.

BOB: I think Bedtime Bear just fell asleep, Dan.

DAN: How long do black bears hibernate for, Bob?

BOB: ’til the spring, Dan.

DAN: We’ll check back on them in April. What’s the next match-up, Bob?

BOB: We have Funshine Bear in lemon yellow faux fur with the sun design on his belly and in the opposite corner, we have a sun bear (Helarctos malayanus), with a sun design on his chest in actual fur. Which of those two would you say is the better-looking bear, Dan?

DAN: I’m a happily married man, Bob.

BOB: That’s as may be, Dan, but you have to admit that, objectively speaking, the sun bear is the cuter bear.

DAN: Well, he’s certainly passive, Bob.

BOB: Sun bears aren’t very aggressive, Dan. They may well be the soppiest species of bear in the entire world.

DAN: Let’s see if we can get some action started. One of the cage attendants is pouring honey onto Funshine Bear. And the sun bear is approaching Funshine Bear! And he’s…licking the honey off.

BOB: This could take awhile. That was a big jar. Let’s pause for a word from our sponsor.

DAN: Today’s cage match is sponsored by Air Bear. We care. Come fly our hairy skies. Air Bear is the only commercial airline whose planes feature interior and exterior wood paneling. Our flight attendants are all Grizzly Adams impersonators, so you’d better behave! Get great deals on flights to the Boonies, the Hinterlands, and the Back-of-Beyond. What are you waiting for? Hop on Air Bear.

BOB: For our next match-up, we’ve got Love-a-Lot Bear in bright pink faux fur with the double-heart emblem on her belly and in the opposite corner what do we have, Dan?

DAN: A koala.

BOB: Do I sense some unresolved sexual tension in the air? Love-a-Lot is winking at the koala. And the koala definitely looks interested. Crikey!

DAN: Uh…viewer advisory. People at home, you might want to get your kids out of the room at this point.

BOB: It’s just nature, Dan.

DAN: How is it natural?! They’re not even the same species.

BOB: What do you think their babies will look like, Dan?

DAN: Moving right along to our next match-up. This one looks to be really exciting. Featuring Arctotherium aka “The Bear Beast”, a prehistoric monster from the Pleistocene. And he’s here right now, so let’s talk to him.

BOB: You can’t interview him, Dan. He’s a bear.

DAN: That’s why we’ve got our very own bear interpreter here. This is Harriet, who is fluent in both Human and Bear. So, Bear Beast, from a philosophical standpoint, as the only one of your kind in the world, how do you feel about your current raison d’être as an entertainment-based killing machine performing for an audience of beings who’ve out-evolved you?

HARRIET: He says he wants to take a shit, Dan.

DAN: Wow. There you have it, folks. Give me some of that Pleistocene mojo. No, actually, Harriet, could you put that Pleistocene mojo into that bucket over there? Thanks.

BOB: Imagine, being resurrected after millions of years of extinction for this, Dan. Isn’t Science awesome?

DAN: And who’s his opponent, Bob?

BOB: That would be Grumpy Bear here in the blue faux fur with the cloud on his belly. And…oh, he smells of blueberries, Dan!

DAN: Stop snuggling the contestant, Bob.

BOB: I can’t help it, Dan. He’s so soft.

DAN: You need to put him in that cage, Bob. Bob? Bob, come back here!

BOB: I’m not putting him in that cage, Dan. The Bear Beast will destroy him.

DAN: That’s what the fans want to see, Bob. Let’s see if the attendants can sort this out. And…yup, they’ve caught Grumpy Bear and Bob — and Bob will not let that Care Bear go.

BOB: If he goes, I go!

DAN: And the attendants are putting them both in the cage — they’re a package deal, folks.

BOB: No! Leave Grumpy alone!

DAN: Well, that’s all from us. And as the Care Bears say, “Friendship never ends!”

BOB: That’s the Spice Girls, Dan! <incoherent screaming> The stars are real, Dan. They’re real! <more incoherent screaming>

DAN: Grow up, Bob.

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