Ultra-Devout Trump Urges Nation to Turn the Other Cheek to Systemic Racism

In a recent address to the nation from the Rose Garden amid widespread protests against police brutality and systemic racism against Black Americans, uber-religious President Donald Trump urged the nation to make like Jesus and turn the other cheek.

“I have had this book read to me many, many times,” the devout Trump told reporters as he clutched a Bible like he’d never held an object before, the faint scent of tear gas used to disperse protesters still lingering in the air. “And when it comes to the racial problems this nation faces, we need to do what Jesus said as he rose from the manger: turn the other cheek.”

Trump, standing at an odd angle that seemed to defy all known laws of physics, continued with an interpretation of Jesus’ message that could only come from years of intense study of scripture. “Jesus learned that violence is never the answer when he went to the Philippines. He didn’t care if you were white, black, brown, or purple, you should always obey everyone in authority no matter how arbitrary that authority may be.”

Shifting uncomfortably under the immense pressure to articulate God’s will in language us mortals can understand, the holiness radiating from his Communion bread-like body, Trump spoke with divine providence. “Jesus is God’s son, so if he said we need to ignore things to make them better, who are we to disagree?” Sweat burst from his brow like rain from the heavens as he spoke, proving that his pious words truly do reflect the will of some deity somewhere, or something.

Following His Holiness’ public decree, he spent the next several days tweeting follow-up sermons in all capital letters, such as: “WEAK GOVERNORS NEED TO DOMINATE THE STREETS! IF PROTESTERS WON’T TURN THE OTHER CHEEK TO SYSTEMIC RACISM AND POLICE BRUTALITY, I WILL SEND IN THE NATIONAL GUARD TO TURN THEIR CHEEKS FOR THEM!”