“Unfair!” Scream The Knife Bringers At Small Town Hall Pillow Fight
As the world braces itself for all the consequences of 2018 Midterm elections, the loud voices on the right, all of which are totally, victimized victims too, #clash tag: ‘We too’, are preparing.
Not to be outdone, representatives on the left also are organizing. At one event recently both sides came together peacefully for a brief time; exactly thirty-seven seconds to be precise. The right was out for blood. The left was out for “What ever.”
At an informal registration event in Springfield, everywhere, Susie Belle, an evangelical “sick to death of these god awful lefties” spoke up in anger. “These crazy progressives are a mob. We have to stop them. Look at this! It’s a feather they caught in my hair when they moved their obnoxious pillow fighting weapons to this event.”
Belle’s words rang true, as several video streams confirmed later there were protestors carrying pillows which they said represented “lively debate props to promote a critical learning opportunity for democracy.” The people representing the Right carried knives and guns of every type from machete to assault rifles. “We here are playin to win! We gonna win this here ‘lection.” Said the Republican mayor, and former Coal Billionaire, Boss Tweedlee.
Another attending participant was ready to take action. Billy Bob Toothliless, pushed a would-be voter who was in line with her small child, off the path. “Look at these illegals. They are taking over our country. We ain’t gonna let ’em git it.”
The young woman, who requested not to be identified, apologized profusely (turns out she was born in Canada) for being in the way of the large, sweaty man. When her young daughter in a pink cat ears cap, began to cry, several other progressives ran away. They were completely spooked. As they ran, a few of them dropped tye-dye t-shirts and peaceful protest signs. These items were shredded to pieces by those on the Right with butcher knives, and in a few instances, legally concealed and carried guns.
“So many good people are very divided, especially in regard to wedge issues.” Mary Moon-flower Madison, a speaker at the event said: “We’re really sorry we brought these satin pillows to the knife fight. We should have at least brought smaller ones, like, you know, from a pet bed, because we totally get how people on the other side of these issues are, like, angry, you know. We want to show them love and kindness. And peace. And organic produce.”
Issues such as immigration, gay rights, guns and police violence, Climate Change, Roe Vs. Wade and affordable healthcare were presented by more than one liberal speaker. However, more accurately, they were soon shouted off the stage. The presenters from the Right were intent upon having a boofing ceremony to which the Left was not invited.
“I don’t know why we never win the knife fight in these debates” complained Timmy Talltree, a human rights activist who carried a sign reading: “Better healthcare is wished for very ardently, if you wouldn’t mind very much, please, dear friends, we are all special snowflakes, we are all very special.”
Towards the end of the event, several progressives huddled together in a group hug, for which they had to drop their signs. A chant began “What do we want? Human rights! When do we want them? Whenever it is the best Karmic time for all of our many soulmates and fellow creatures to usher in a new day, an age of Aquarius!” Not able to keep in sync the chant mumbled off into a very self-conscious whisper which sounded like:
“What do we want? Some stuff, maybe.”
Meanwhile, a jumbling and seething mob had begun lighting tiki torches and were chanting as well:
“Lock her up. Lock her up. LOCK HER UP!”
Former town mayor Boss Tweedlee observed that their chants from the right side of the aisle were “very strong” and although it was unknown which “her” they were wanting to lock up, he was exuberant in a furious ranting way that could almost be taken for bullying. “We don’t want these stupid hippies coming in here with their stupid identity politics and their snowflake, fairy, faggot friendly rhetoric. Looky there, that woman is probably a man in drag. Grab that lady. Hit her. Stab her! KNIFE FIGHT!!” Tweedlee yelled.
By the end of the event there were sobbing new agers, gay pride punching morons, toothless grins, weeping tea baggers, solemn feminists and sober gunslingers brandishing bloody knives. There was injury on both sides.
“That skin head over there took my baby, stabbed me in the finger, smashed my bike up and broke my glasses,” said Jewel Jade, a left-wing presenter.
“But they hurt our feelings, saying stuff like “Jesus was a liberal.” And “Love is love.” “Well heck,” said Susie Belle. “That bat crap ain’t in the bible, these Marxists are nuttier than a Georgia peanut field.”
Before the chaos was quelled President Trump weighed in with a tweet: “Brave Americans in Spring field. My base. My heroes. Stopped the Horse-facers. And, they deny any violence very firmly. So, I believe them.”
