Unhelpful Amazon Product Reviews I Wrote After Carol Dumped Me
Roller Ball Pen
5/5 Stars
Best pen money can buy! Whether I’m writing a letter or jotting down a thought, this is the pen I grab. Apparently Carol felt the same way because when she wanted to draft a breakup note on a Chipotle napkin, she picked this puppy up! I wish I could appreciate the smooth, perfectly-weighted lines of each letter and word without comprehending the sentences they form, but that’s not going to be possible for quite a while. Something tells me that when that day comes, when I can read it without crying, it will somehow be even sadder. Still, it’s a really solid pen with very little bleed through.
Paper Shredder
5/5 Stars
I bought this shredder a year ago. While it has worked great, I didn’t feel inspired to write a review until this morning when it hit me…this is more than just a shredder…it’s a working metaphor. With this shredder, I take documents that once mattered and I turn them into meaningless pulp. It’s a good reminder that everything looks the same after it has taken a trip through the sharp blades of life: receipts, bank statements, love letters from Carol, photos of me and Carol in Rome, dollar bills that Carol might have held…all pulp. On top of that, the credit card shredder is an awesome feature.
Beanie Baby Tag Protector
5/5 Stars
My ex-girlfriend Carol left one of her Beanie Babies (Gobbles the Turkey) in the apartment. If she asks for it, I will say it’s not here. Gobbles has been a bit of an emotional rock for me these past few weeks since Carol’s abrupt departure. I bought this tag to preserve Gobbles for eBay, but I don’t need it anymore. Gobbles is not for sale.
Wool Hiking Socks
5/5 Stars
I don’t hike and I am allergic to wool so take this for what it’s worth. I bought these because they are “guaranteed for life.” Perhaps I am making the same mistake in trusting these socks as I did in trusting Carol, but I don’t think so. I can’t imagine these socks will ever run off with Ricky, a birder whose YouTube channel is nothing but long videos of Black-crowned Night-Herons. These are my favorite socks and I recommend them to anyone going through a tough time. As for their use in hiking boots, I make no claims.
The Genius of Birds by Jennifer Ackerman
0/5 Stars
I came away completely unimpressed by birds. I think octopuses are more interesting. I hope the writer turns to octopuses for her next book. My ex Carol loves birds. I’m sure she loves this book, but that’s only because she doesn’t know much about octopuses despite my attempts to educate her on the topic. Ignorance has always been bliss for Carol.
White Noise Machine
3/5 Stars
I haven’t slept well since Carol left so I bought two of these. I still can’t sleep but I also might be using them wrong? I keep one balanced on my forehead and squeeze the other tight to my chest.
Picture Frame
1/5 Stars
It’s an excellent product if you like being reminded of what you no longer have. The past is a trap. Photography was and is a mistake. Memory is a curse. Burn your picture frames. Shred your social security card. Change your name. Move to a different city. Start over. Forget about Carol. She sure as hell has forgotten about you.
Paper Towels (40 Rolls)
5/5 Stars
No matter how many things you did right, you book the wrong weekend for an Airbnb in Palm Springs and you become the villain. I just reserved the same place for next month. I’m taking Gobbles.
