Unhelpful Amazon Product Reviews I Wrote After Carol Dumped Me

Christian Harrington
Jan 8 · 3 min read
Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Hunter Newton on Unsplash

Roller Ball Pen

5/5 Stars

Best pen money can buy! Whether I’m writing a letter or jotting down a thought, this is the pen I grab. Apparently Carol felt the same way because when she wanted to draft a breakup note on a Chipotle napkin, she picked this puppy up! I wish I could appreciate the smooth, perfectly-weighted lines of each letter and word without comprehending the sentences they form, but that’s not going to be possible for quite a while. Something tells me that when that day comes, when I can read it without crying, it will somehow be even sadder. Still, it’s a really solid pen with very little bleed through.

Paper Shredder

5/5 Stars

I bought this shredder a year ago. While it has worked great, I didn’t feel inspired to write a review until this morning when it hit me…this is more than just a shredder…it’s a working metaphor. With this shredder, I take documents that once mattered and I turn them into meaningless pulp. It’s a good reminder that everything looks the same after it has taken a trip through the sharp blades of life: receipts, bank statements, love letters from Carol, photos of me and Carol in Rome, dollar bills that Carol might have held…all pulp. On top of that, the credit card shredder is an awesome feature.

Beanie Baby Tag Protector

5/5 Stars

My ex-girlfriend Carol left one of her Beanie Babies (Gobbles the Turkey) in the apartment. If she asks for it, I will say it’s not here. Gobbles has been a bit of an emotional rock for me these past few weeks since Carol’s abrupt departure. I bought this tag to preserve Gobbles for eBay, but I don’t need it anymore. Gobbles is not for sale.

Wool Hiking Socks

5/5 Stars

I don’t hike and I am allergic to wool so take this for what it’s worth. I bought these because they are “guaranteed for life.” Perhaps I am making the same mistake in trusting these socks as I did in trusting Carol, but I don’t think so. I can’t imagine these socks will ever run off with Ricky, a birder whose YouTube channel is nothing but long videos of Black-crowned Night-Herons. These are my favorite socks and I recommend them to anyone going through a tough time. As for their use in hiking boots, I make no claims.

The Genius of Birds by Jennifer Ackerman

0/5 Stars

I came away completely unimpressed by birds. I think octopuses are more interesting. I hope the writer turns to octopuses for her next book. My ex Carol loves birds. I’m sure she loves this book, but that’s only because she doesn’t know much about octopuses despite my attempts to educate her on the topic. Ignorance has always been bliss for Carol.

White Noise Machine

3/5 Stars

I haven’t slept well since Carol left so I bought two of these. I still can’t sleep but I also might be using them wrong? I keep one balanced on my forehead and squeeze the other tight to my chest.

Picture Frame

1/5 Stars

It’s an excellent product if you like being reminded of what you no longer have. The past is a trap. Photography was and is a mistake. Memory is a curse. Burn your picture frames. Shred your social security card. Change your name. Move to a different city. Start over. Forget about Carol. She sure as hell has forgotten about you.

Paper Towels (40 Rolls)

5/5 Stars

No matter how many things you did right, you book the wrong weekend for an Airbnb in Palm Springs and you become the villain. I just reserved the same place for next month. I’m taking Gobbles.

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Sign up for The Haven's Newsletter

By The Haven

Now with More Nudity and a Patreon! Take a look

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Christian Harrington

Written by

Essays and less @ ChristianPHarrington.com

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Christian Harrington

Written by

Essays and less @ ChristianPHarrington.com

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store