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University Promises No More Soul-Crushing Scandals From Now On

3 min readFeb 2, 2023

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Photo by Vadim Sherbakov on Unsplash

Highsmith University’s Board of Governors wishes to address the widespread reports of criminality and mismanagement that have tarnished our institution’s proud tradition of secrecy and denial.

We are taking immediate steps to ensure Highsmith University reflects the highest standards of excellence and integrity. We will no longer accept the lapses in judgment that have led to thousands of complaints, hundreds of lawsuits, and two United Nations human rights investigations.

The Board of Governors deeply regrets the reputational damage suffered by Highsmith University. The pain the University has endured, including the loss of lucrative fundraising opportunities, has hurt so many who depend on lucrative fundraising opportunities.

To anyone impacted by our decades of abhorrent misdeeds, we offer our profound apology, which does not constitute a legally binding admission of guilt. Mistakes were made. Lives were ruined. Tuition was, in very rare cases, partially refunded.

Highsmith University is enacting the following measures to avoid the glaring and foreseeable errors we made in the past.

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The Haven
The Haven

Published in The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

James Klein
James Klein

Written by James Klein

My dog thinks I’m cool. Humor in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Greener Pastures, and others. All of it at jameskleinhumor.com.