Unpopular Dating Profile Answers

How to stay single forever

Pam Gaslow
The Haven

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Photo: author in funnier times

About me: bitchy, jaded comedian. Unfriendly and prematurely disappointed. Aggressive where it counts. I’m sober, so I actually have to like you to sleep with you. Not a lot, but still, good luck.

Dislikes: small talk, people, anything loud, taking a sleeping pill before take off, and waking up an hour later still on the runway

Severe dislikes: “I can’t talk until I have my coffee” people and the Skims nipple push-up bra

Ideal first date: You’re a Golden Retriever. You take me on a lovely, stress-free hike in a picturesque town in Colorado. It’s 75 degrees and 33% humidity. You smile the whole time, no matter what I say, because you’re perfect.

Dealbreakers: Smoking. Unless you’re hot as fuck. Tattoos. Unless you’re hot as fuck. Tank tops. Unless you’re hot as fuck. Married. Unless . . .

Please don’t: ask me how my Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. is going. Get a life.

Hobbies: alienating travel agents by dissecting itineraries and crossing everything off. PSA: I’ve seen enough churches/temples/main squares/forts/tallest buildings in the city to die of boredom forty-seven times over

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Pam Gaslow
The Haven

Comedian and top writer in humor. Miami based. IG: @pamgaslow, pam@pamgaslow.com. Subscribe to my mailing list: https://upscri.be/fpacdo