Up Your Bucket List

I Need My Nap Time

So there is now an anti-bucket list. That’s fine with me, since I’ve been anti-bucket lists for a long time. Actually, I’m anti buckets, because buckets imply chores. I have a Home Depot bucket that says “Let’s not do this.”

A bucket list is a list of things you want to do before you die (I’m compiling a list of things I want to do after I die, because they’re less expensive). An anti-bucket list, I gather, is a list of things you don’t want to do before you die. No problem for me.

I never got the whole bucket list concept. When did old age become a homework assignment? “Whoa — I’m eighty-three and I still haven’t roller-skated up Mount Kilimanjaro or bungee-jumped naked off the Empire State Building. I’d better get cracking or I’m going to be way behind!” But a few definite won’t do’s for me.

Sky diving. What’s up with senior citizens and sky-diving? I can’t open a magazine without seeing some free-falling golden-ager with a demented smile. All of a sudden it’s become desperately important for old people to jump out of airplanes. If you want to take a walk you have to keep looking up to see if a geezer is about to land on you. Since I have severe acrophobia not even a consideration.

Swimming With Dolphins. Swimming with dolphins is “therapeutic,” people gush; it’s “spiritual!” How is hanging onto an animal as it drags you around a pool “spiritual?” Not to mention that the tortured animals come down with human infections, suffer from chlorine irritation, and endure constant stress (imagine swimming in circles with some annoying child digging soiled fingers into your skin).

Eating Bugs. Lots of protein! Like eating popcorn. First of all, I’m not that crazy about popcorn. Second, bugs are revolting, nauseating and loathsome. Also squishy. I understand that bugs are a vital part of the food chain — for birds and armadillos. Also chimps in the wild who suck termites off branches. I’m happy to leave the bug eating to them.

Staying in an overwater bungalow in Bora Bora. “Who can resist the allure of an overwater bungalow?” asks the Jet Setter web site. I can. A thatched roof bungalow does not excite me.

“You can request to have meals delivered by canoe.” I like to take a hotel elevator downstairs to the restaurant. “Decks mean that you’re only a stepladder’s distance from the crystalline lagoon.” Which means I have every chance of falling into the lagoon. Lodging on terrafirma for me.

Running a marathon. My feeling is that the only reason to run is if someone is chasing me. I can manage a an 0.012192 km fun run if I absolutely have to. As the late great Joan Rivers said, when I see a runner smiling, I’ll consider it.

So what’s on my bucket list. Well, one item is: successfully rob a Brinks armored truck. Reason? So I can afford to eat lobster again.