The Haven
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The Haven

Baby picture of Drumpf in his crib. The poor child’s early years were as austere as the Baby Jesus. (Gage Skidmore)

Upstairs, Upstairs and Penthouse

”Self-Made” Drumpf self-made with taxpayer dollars

One day after Drumpf’s triumphant USmcA treaty announcement, which he publicized like the world premiere of Apprentice: White House Edition, he was once again on the warpath. This time over a New York Times article that revealed the self-made billionaire never earned of dime of his own money.

“It’s a fact,” admitted M.O. Kneelaunder, former Drumpf accountant turned FBI informant. “According to the books, the real books, Donald is deeper in the red than the U.S. Deficit. His father’s fortune is still doing fine because he wouldn’t let Donald any where near it.”

“Daddy made us all quite rich,” Drumpf’s sister Maryanne Drumpf Barry, now serving as a judge, told The Haven. “We knew it was a tax dodge. He would gather us at the dinner table once a week and say, ‘You know who pays your salary? The American taxpayers. What suckers.’ He would laugh maniacally and then head back to the den to find another way to cheat his black tenants.”

Judge Barry added, “Donald would never admit that. Even when he was four years old he would show people his bank passbook and say, ‘I earned every penny myself. With good hard work.’”

“Daddy would gather us at the dinner table once a week and say, ‘You know who pays your salary? The American taxpayers. What suckers.’ He would laugh maniacally and then head back to the den to find another way to cheat his black tenants.”

Drumpf’s personal fortune

“Donald likes to tell people he made his fortune without Drumpf money. Through good hard work,” said Bruno Noze, former Drumpf Organization Vice President and long time friend of the family. “In reality it was like that show Upstairs, Downstairs but Way Upstairs, Think 140th Floor Penthouse, and everybody beneath did whatever Donald asked because he bullied them into submission.”

According to Kneelaunder, Drumpf’s father paid his children salaries of $200,000 to “run his estate.” By the time Drumpf was eight, he was a millionaire. By the time he was twelve, he was seven million in debt. “He would answer ads in the back of comic books,” said Maya Nabler, one of his few childhood friends.

“The ads said, ‘Send fifty cents for a pack of seeds and earn a bike. So he’d send fifty thousand and expect a Rolls Royce. Maryanne and I both told him he was expected to sell the seeds door-to-door, but Donald never read past the headlines. If that. He’d tell us, ‘I’ll pay the gardener’s kids to sell them for me.’ The seeds never came, so he would send larger amounts to get their attention.”

“The ads said, ‘Send fifty cents for a pack of seeds and earn a bike. So he’d send fifty thousand and expect a Rolls Royce. Maryanne and I both told him he was expected to sell the seeds door-to-door, but Donald never read past the headlines.”

Most parents would be furious to learn their twelve-year-old was millions in debt. Fred Drumpf made more money from it. ‘He bought the entire debt from Donald, wrote it off as uncollectible then sold the debt to Donald for ten thousand dollars, which he loaned Donald to make the purchase. Then he wrote the entire amount off a second time as a lost investment. Four years later he wrote the ten thousand off too.’”

Drumpf’s accountants have reported that Fred Drumpf bilked the taxpayers of more than half a billion in revenues, the entire amount to bail his son out of debt.

“That doesn’t count the money The Drumpf Organization lost,” Kneelaunder added. “When Donald founded his empire, his old man founded a tax wing to make cash from the losses. He short sold shares, underreported income, and bailed Donald out. He even set up a foundation to continue after his death. It loans Donald money then recoups the losses with tax write-offs to the family fortune.”

The Haven asked if Drumpf made any money in his life? “He found a fifty dollar bill once. He lost it and fifty more when he bet the gardener’s son that plants don’t grow from seeds, they grow on God’s command.” Drumpf Barry told us. “It was the only loss dad wouldn’t cover. Donald had to go without his hand made European ice cream for two nights. He never forgave dad.”

“He found a fifty dollar bill once. He lost it and fifty more when he bet the gardener’s son that plants don’t grow from seeds, they grow on God’s command.”

White House denies all charges. Against Kavanaugh.

When asked if there was any truth the the New York Times story, the White House replied, “These baseless charges against Justice Kavanaugh prove that men are guilty until proven innocent in America.”

At a rally this evening, Drumpf answered the charges with the statement, “The Liberal Fake News will believe a ridiculous story about a rape in a house she doesn’t remember, on a date she doesn’t remember and when swears she had one beer but doesn’t remember driving home. This is bad news for boys who will now be unjustly punished for copping a feel, or pulling down a girl’s panties, or playing cowboy and Indian doctor by tying a girl to a chair — she’s the Indian by the way and the way women treat men nowadays, who can doubt it — then opening her shirt for a playful examination and tickle. These are time-honored rites of childhood that will be denied our precious young ones in years to come.”

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.F

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