US Invades Mexico
”They won’t be illegals if we annex their country”
First he dispatched US troops to the Mexico border to stop what he calls “immanent invasion of terrorist rapists from south Mexico” (also known as the Honduran Caravan). Today the President decided the combined power of the border patrol, ICE, and the US military wouldn’t suffice to turn back the thousand protestors seeking asylum in the US.
The President ordered Secretary of Defense Mattis to invade Mexico and force their surrender. “Let’s see who pays for the wall now,” he told the other cabinet members in the room.
“The American people face a bigger threat than the 4–1–1 terrorist attacks,” POTUS announced at his don’t answer the press conference. “Thousands of terrorists are marching from the Honduras, which, as many of you know, is in south Mexico, to rape our women and enslave our children. They will seize control of farms and put Americans to work at slave wages no dignified person would accept. Like we’ve been doing with their people. That’s not justice.”
“Thousands of terrorists are marching from the Honduras, which, as many of you know, is in south Mexico, to rape our women and enslave our children. They will seize control of farms and put Americans to work at slave wages no dignified person would accept. Like we’ve been doing with their people.”
A chorus of questions broke out, which the President ignored.
“The liberal fake media press which is determined to enslave us too, doesn’t want to hear this, but Mexico has been America’s number one enemy since they murdered hundreds of American citizens at the Alamo, and they planned this invasion immediately after by sneaking their citizens over the border to infiltrate us and subvert us. They duped Obama into a horrible NAFTA deal, and refused to uphold their obligations to fund a wall. America won’t take it any more.
“President Bush warned us about the Axis of Evil when he was Bill Clinton for the Presidency in 1988. That inaugural address is written in my sharp and impenetrable mind. The Axis of Evil. Iran, Iraq, North Korea and their tyrannical leader Mexico. His point was clear. We have to remove Mexico from the board before their immigrants attack us with their arsenal of nuclear weapons.”
“President Bush warned us about the Axis of Evil : Iran, Iraq, North Korea and their tyrannical leader Mexico.”
The questions rebounding from the walls of the press room sounded like a tornado unleashed inside a hurricane inside a thunderstorm. POTUS ignored them and gathered his note to leave. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders whispered in his ear.
“We also want to praise the valiant support of the thousands of militia members from all over the country, men AND women, two or three of them black, with more firepower than the US and three other nations combined. For which we can thank our God-given Second Amendment.” He placed his hand over his heart and looked to heaven.
He delivered the coda to his announcement. “Once again the fake news will ignore these, but real Americans will see immediately how military action solves the immigration crisis. We annex Mexico as a territory. We get their taxes, but they won’t get benefits. Immigrants won’t be immigrants. They’ll be second-class citizens.”
“We annex Mexico as a territory. We get their taxes, but they won’t get benefits. Immigrants won’t be immigrants. They’ll be second-class citizens.”
He paused at the door. “Oh, and no more NAFTA since we own them now. We may have to send our troops to stop the Canadian terrorists when this war’s over. Shock and awe.”
Following the President’s departure Secretary of Defense Mattis fielded questions. Before taking them however, he held up his hand to quiet the crowd. He informed reporters that he anticipated their questions and had the answers ready. “The President needs no Congressional approval since he already received it to attack terrorism in Afghanistan and, by extension, anywhere in the world. Mexico will pay the cost of the war through reparations. Yes we’ll build a wall on Mexico’s southern border and send the bill to Guatemala and Belize.”
An incredulous Michael Shear of the New York Times asked, “Have you sold your soul?”
Mattis lowered his head and wept. “The contract’s signed in blood and locked in 45’s safe.”
The President ordered a full military parade before of the White House as the troops leave for the border. The parade will cost the taxpayers millions to relocate troops and equipment to DC, wreck the streets, and cost millions more deploying them to the border afterward.
The Haven checked with the White House who confirmed, “Yes, we’re billing the parade to Mexico.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
