Voluntary Disclosures, Love Your Future Employer
Hey there, unqualified plebeian. Thanks SO much for taking time out of your day to apply to this job you won’t get. Before we reject you, we kindly ask that you respond to the following voluntary disclosures assessing your identity, traumas, and how likely you are to use your disability as an excuse for taking personal days.
Remember, these are voluntary. We would never want you to disclose information that you’re uncomfortable sharing! That said, there is a quota we need to fill for hiring staff from marginalized backgrounds, so if I were you, I’d milk that one depressive episode you had in college when you missed your cat.
- What is your race?
a. Black
b. We don’t care
2. What is your ethnicity?
a. Latinx
b. Kill yourself
3. Are you affected by any of the following disabilities?
a. Depression (the last question was a joke lol have a sense of humor)
b. “Anxiety”
c. Short nail beds
d. Crippling food addiction that manifested as a protest to decades of restrictive dieting habits spawn from a desperate desire to appeal to our culture’s impossible beauty standards
e. Not being born into nepotism
4. What is your sexuality?
a. Straight but watch gay porn
b. Gay but watch straight porn and only look at the woman
c. Getting drunk off 3–5 margaritas and kissing my best friend
d. Nick Miller, New Girl, S2, Ep15, 20:33–21:00
5. Describe your likelihood to report sexual harassment in the workplace.
a. Very Likely (I’m a feminist)
b. Very Unlikely (I’m a feminist, not an idiot)
c. Donald Trump 2024
6. What do you like in bed?
a. Missionary
b. Cowgirl
c. Guzzle chug slurpy yum yum time
d. NOT my boyfriend’s dog. Doug, I don’t care that he “got you through your parent’s divorce”, he’s sleeping on the floor, damnit.
e. Intense eye contact at the exact moment of climax in order to really feel seen, ya know?
7. Have you ever shit your pants?
a. Yes, under the age of 5
b. Twice every calendar year (I’m a woman with IBS)
c. Have YOU eaten loaded chili fries and gone home with clean underwear??????
d. We’ve all done it don’t act like you haven’t done it you pompous prick
8. What is your relationship like with your mother?
a. She resents me for my beauty
b. She secretly slips hundreds in my purse whenever she sees me because she thinks I’m broke (I am)
c. I slip hundreds back into her purse in an attempt to preserve some dignity, but ultimately will accept because I am, in fact, broke
d. I love her so much it consumes me everything I am is because of her without her I would cease to exist
9. What is your relationship like with your father?
a. Yes
b. No
10. What is your most painful memory? (Please feel free to include explicit detail.)
a. My grandma walking in on me masturbating
b. Finding out my ex is performing at Lollapalooza
c. Trader Joe’s being out of stock on dishwasher pods (now I have to go to a whole other grocery store just to get dishwasher pods)
d. That time I was in college and didn’t have my cat and was like, really, really, sad…
e. Too many to name but at the end of the day life is meaningless and we all die and I will be forgotten and so will everyone I love so why am I even trying?
You did it, squirt! See, that wasn’t too bad. And don’t worry, this form was designed by Derek the temp whose resume notes “savvy with computers”, so your information is safe with us and definitely not at risk of being leaked on the internet.
Thank you for your time. We will not be getting back to you. Do not contact us. We hate you.
Note: if by some divine miracle you are hired via a job board website, we do have the right to use this information against you in a court of law and in workplace gossip.
