Voters to Candidates: We Love You, You’re Very Special. Now Go Home.
An appalling number of candidates for elected office in Washington State, like nearly half, support the “elect a clown, expect a circus” platform.
Last summer, voters found a new and unexpected source of cry-laughter in the Washington State Voter’s Pamphlet, which, for that primary election was about as useful as a cheese sandwich to a drowning ferret. I read it, slackjawed with amazement, that yes, our First Amendment rights have come to this: miles of incoherent ink written by candidates who, if brains were taxed, they’d get rebates. These wankers were laying siege to other candidates who actually know something about governing.
It’s completely understandable that you might no longer be a fan of political jokes, because so many of them are getting elected. And then, when in office they behave outrageously, their party doesn’t discipline them because it believes in carrying babies to full term. Of course, free speech and running for office are part and parcel of the definition of democracy, but ask yourself: is it a coincidence that the acronym for the Office of Secretary of State, which runs elections, is “SOS?” I think not.
Nearly half of the 40-plus candidates running for U.S. Senate, U.S. House, and State Offices in Washington offered prose that made reading the 2022 Primary Voter Pamphlet feel less like a civic duty and more like a slog through alligator-infested sawgrass. Here are some examples.
Why they’re running:
“This year’s candidacy marks a decade of not trying to win, but to use the Voter’s Pamphlet to attract viewers to my blog.” ~ Bill Hirt, candidate for U.S. Senate
“I cannot be bribed, intimidated nor extorted, and have no vices.” ~ Martin D. Hash, candidate for U.S. Senate
“I’m the only candidate in America offering a Term Limits Contract & Bodycam fulltime. This is a 1-time offer, Washington State.” ~ Ravin Pierre, candidate for U.S. Senate
“Are you ready to finish what we started? I need you to understand this is a war…” ~ Leon Lawson, candidate for U.S. Senate
Qualifications including Elected Experience:
“None, which is an attribute.” ~ John Guenther, candidate for U.S. Senate
“I have read the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.” ~ Charlie (Chuck) Jackson, candidate for U.S. Senate
“Watching C-Span for 30 years.” ~ Thor Amundson, candidate for U.S. Senate
“[I am] the world’s only-ever simultaneously licensed doctor, lawyer, accountant & engineer, plus business owner & creative. See my Kindle booklet for my positions.” ~ Martin D. Hash (Ed. Note: candidate’s booklet costs $6.99.)
“CRISPR… Brain Software… Articles.” ~ Dr. Pano Churchill, candidate for U.S. Senate (Ed. Note: links lead to his books for sale.)
“Etcetera.” ~ Kurtis Engle, candidate for WA Secretary of State
Platforms:
“I think the free states should sue the slave states.” ~ Kurtis Engle
“Certain things need ‘More of it!’ until adequate completion.” ~ Sam Cusmir, candidate for U.S. Senate
“Bring our Washington Orca back from Florida.” ~ Thor Amundson
“Nationalize the land…” ~ Henry Clay Dennison, candidate for U.S. Senate
“I offer a different style of leadership. I think for myself and only listen to experts. I don’t trust them.” ~ Chris Binns, candidate for U.S. Representative, District 6
“There are other great things I would love to get done, from creating stricter laws on pedophiles to raising the speed limits on some highways.” ~ Jon Butler, candidate for U.S. Senate
“Make C-Span more entertaining.” ~ Thor Amundson
“I advocate privacy, individual sovereignty, and private property. In summary, Bitcoin.” ~ Bryan Solstin, candidate for U.S. Senate
Special concerns:
“Think about the broken 1977 Bridge of Vulcan, West Virginia.” ~ Ravin Pierre
“If dominoes fall certain ways, we could have half a million Chinese troops in Western Washington. If this comes even close to happening, we will already have had a bad day. I want the Military to Recon the place hard and think about what to do with that much trouble.” ~ Kurtis Engle
“I am real, it is up to you to spread it.” ~ Leon Lawson
“The Democratic Party abandoned me. I became a Republican. Praise God.” ~ Dave Saulibo, candidate for U.S. Senate
“Men don’t vote Democrat!” ~ Chris Binns
Personal statements:
“Unexpectedly, the Health Department suspended my medical license… They said I was demented and unable to practice.” ~ Mohammad Hassan Said, candidate for U.S. Senate
“The Hardest place to leave I’ve ever been. I’d be there still if the police chief hadn’t ‘suggested’ I leave town.” ~ Kurtis Engle
“Crypto is fiat.” ~ Bryan Solstin
“Peace! *mic drop*” ~ Ravin Pierre
I’m thinking it might be a fun satirical group project for Medium writers to collect the best of their local whack jobs’ pamphlet writings and do a screenplay/musical, sort of a “Les Misérables for Voters.”
In the meantime, I can hardly wait to cry over the October Voter’s Pamphlet. Maybe it’ll draw the line somewhere between selling books by hacks and offering escort services. Meanwhile, if anybody needs me, I’ll be in a cave binge-watching the Marx Brothers in Duck Soup.
Karen L. Sullivan writes humor in between more serious projects. Her work is published in The Belladonna, The Haven, Rainshadow Journal, Stonecoast Review, and several sailing magazines. Twitter: @karenlsullivan9.
