Walk a Day in My Hair
Musings from Ten Random Bad Hair Days
1. American in Paris: Forgot to pack an adaptor so couldn’t blow dry my hair. It’s a frizzy, fucking mess. Whoever said “walk a day in my shoes” never walked through the Louvre all day in comfy Hokas. Here’s the real wisdom for life: To understand my journey, walk a day in my hair.
2. Beethoven: Debuted my 9th symphony today in Vienna. My hair was even more unruly than usual and kept getting into my face: so embarrassing! What if no one listened because they were distracted by the wild hair? Remember how Mozart got to wear a wig? That spoiled brat. Why do I even try???
3. Humpty Dumpty: Fell off a damn wall today. It was bad enough that some moron sent the king’s horses instead of an ambulance, but then my hat fell off and rumor has it I looked like an egg. C’mon people, haven’t you ever seen a bald guy? On bedrest and starting Rogaine tomorrow.
4. Race horse: My jockey’s back in the stable, brushing my mane again. It’s nice, but I feel like it always comes with a catch. Like, “I’ll brush your hair if you run faster and jump higher.” If I brush her hair will she let me climb on her and make her race all her friends? Didn’t think so.
5. Surgeon: Sure enough, I saved another life today…but a long hair might have fallen into the abdominal cavity. Looked around and no one else seemed to notice–-surgical techs were flirting — so I stitched her up. Hoping for the best. Note to self: schedule haircut.
6. Evil Queen: Who’s the fairest of them all? Snow fucking White, of course. Must be the shiny, bouncy hair; she probably gets one of the dwarfs to blow it out. And I wonder where she got that adorable red headband. Mirror, Mirror, on the wall — show me the way to the nearest mall.
7. Teenage girl in the 80s: Ran out of Aqua Net this morning so bangs are just crispy instead of cemented into a rock-hard mass that moves as a unit. Worse yet, everyone else on the pom pom squad looks perfect today. It’s really barfing me out.
8. Cat therapist: Met another depressed, socially rejected feline identifying as the victim. Blah blah blah…so much drama. She was crying and saying she can’t help it that her follicles generate one of the most common allergens on the planet. Almost diagnosed her with paranoia but couldn’t stop sneezing.
9. Werewolf: Got my hair done today and then the full moon had to show up and ruin everything. Now I have a unibrow and a mop on my head. And then there’s the growth on my palms…what the hell??? And what for? I could howl and do all the wolf things just as well without it.
10. Sorority girl: Awww….Carson was so sweet tonight when he held my hair back as I threw up. Hope my hair didn’t feel gross. Stupid low shower pressure in the sorority house! At least I was puking so he would’ve been grossed out by that. What a relief.
