Wall Narrative Changes Once More

”Wall is a metaphor, but it’s a literal metaphor.”

Furious that the day’s news coverage focused exclusively on the House Democrats without a single mention of his name, Drumpf scheduled an emergency press conference to tell the nation absolutely nothing he hasn’t said a million times before. “We need my wall,” he announced. “Don’t believe experts. Nobody’s more expert than me.”

To prove his point Drumpf trotted out three Hispanic members of the Official Republicans for Border Security Board to tell Americans how evil Hispanics are. “Trust us. We’re Mexicans, and you don’t want more of us around,” said Board Chair Jesus “Speedy” Gonzales. “I work twenty hours a day for four dollars an hour to chase down Mexicans trying to enter the country, and the other Mexicans on the border patrol work just as hard. Believe us when we say that we’re all lazy, shiftless murderers and rapists who would rather sell your kids drugs than put in an honest day’s labor. Don’t let any of us near your daughters.”

Drumpf reiterated his willingness to accept a wall that wasn’t a real concrete wall, as long as it was real and made of concrete. “It doesn’t have to be a wall, as long as it’s a barrier,” he claimed. Speaking from the Rose Garden on Friday he added transparent steel and prophylactic rubber as legitimate alternatives to the wall.

Drumpf reiterated his willingness to accept a wall that wasn’t a real concrete wall, as long as it was real and made of concrete.

“It could be a steel wall, but it has to be steel we can see through. If we can’t see through the steel, we won’t know who the bad guys are trying to cross the wall. So I would accept see-through steel. That would be even better than concrete, which you can’t see through. As long as we have barriers to practice safe relations with Mexico and its neighbors to the south. Think of immigrants as STDs. Nobody knows more about STDs than me, let me tell you. Once they get into the system, you carry them around for the rest of your life. Unless you get a shot of penicillin, but there’s no penicillin for the STD known as illegal immigration. If a condom will keep the Mexicans out, I’ll settle for a condom. It’s cheaper, and Mexico will probably pay for a condom. Or steal one for us, because Mexicans like to steal. So, yes, I will accept a giant two thousand mile wide condom as long as it’s concrete and a wall and I get all five billion from the taxpayers, because you can’t build a wall with pesos. We tried it during the Mexican-American War, a lot of people don’t know that, building a wall with pesos from Mexico, but the immigrants stole the pesos and snucked across the border anyway. So the thing all Americans need to understand is the wall is a metaphor, but it’s a literal metaphor.”

”Five billion dollars for my literal metaphoric concrete wall or barrier, or condom. As long as it’s a concrete five billion dollar wall. Take it or leave it. That’s the compromise.”

Drumpf also declared that drones wouldn’t stop immigrants, only a wall would stop them. “Nobody knows more about drones than me, and I’m telling you, they’re useless at stopping immigrants. They’re way up high in the air, and the murderers and rapists are down on the ground. How’re drones in the air going to stop Mexicans too poor to fly? Many of you don’t know this but I piloted drones during the Vietnam war. It was a super secret mission and we released a cover story that I was home with bone spurs, but I was in Nam, personally piloting drones, which is cramped, let me tell you, and I dropped thousands, no millions of tons of bombs on the gooks, which is what we called the Chinese enemy in Vietnam then, and we still would if it weren’t for politically correct liberal do-gooders like Pocahontas, who faked her DNA test by the way, I’m more Cherokee than she is, full-blooded, I could be the Cherokee chief if I weren’t already President, I still can, I can multi-task you know, like when I was a student at Wharton at the same time I was piloting bombing missions from drones in Vietnam.”

He closed with the warning that, “the do-no-good Dems damn well better be ready to compromise because I’ve put a compromise on the table. Five billion dollars for my literal metaphoric concrete wall or barrier, or condom. As long as it’s a concrete five billion dollar wall. Take it or leave it. That’s the compromise.”

At the Thursday briefing Drumpf and his staff abruptly left the podium. Reporters — who hustled to make it to the briefing on five-minute’s notice — clamored for answers to their questions. Once he was gone, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told them, “Did you really think he would show up in person if you were allowed to ask questions? What kind of White House do you think this is?”

On Friday, he welcomed questions and answered them all with the same statement: “Condom or Steel. See through. Mexico already paid is back. I explained this shit once. If it makes no sense to you, I’m not the dimwit.”

When asked where Drumpf came up with the idea for a “see through steel wall,” a staff member who prefers to remain anonymous told The Haven, “You remember the movie Star Trek IV? The transparent aluminum. He overheard some planners joking about it, and broke into their conversation, ‘That’s a real thing. I saw it in a movie. As long as we make it steel.’ Mulvaney[1] promised he’d get to work on it, and now it’s part of the plan.”

[1]: Acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney.