Want My Impeccable Physique? Read This.
You’re welcome, you lazy bastards.
Physical health and dominance is something I value greatly. I invest a significant amount of my wealth into maintaining my body’s tip top condition.
Do I have the most traditional, glamorous physique? No. But my body is functional. I may move in an unorthodox manner, but don’t be fooled, I amdeadly in physical combat and athletic competition.
I have achieved my county-renowned fitness level by maximizing my productivity in three aspects of my life: exercise, admiration of my body, and diet.
Exercise
After retiring as a junior varsity high school baseball legend, I no longer play an organized sport. This was a calculated move. I decided to go out at the top of my game, a la Peyton Manning or Michael Jordan before his stint with the Wizards. This cemented my legacy as an all time great. It also gave me more time to focus on my body.
With my schedule freed up, I now go to the local fitness club my family has a membership at almost every day.
Considering how often I’m at Prime Time, you’d think I would have learned how to properly “lift” by now, but I have not. Whenever I am in the gym, I wander around somewhat aimlessly and search out machines in areas where I can have some privacy.
I’muncomfortable working out next to many of the regular gym goers, especially the massive man in his mid 60’s with bulging biceps and veins . You can see the blood pump through his veins with each heartbeat. I hope to stay on his good side, as I doubt I would make it out alive if he took his roid rage out on me. I hope he doesn’t realize that the site of his body makes me want to puke.
A lot of my friends are also members of Prime Time, which is both a blessing and a curse. It’s nice to socialize, but whenever I am in the gym I don’t really want to be seen.
I have made an effort to improve my outfits this year. So whenever I exercise and become drenched in sweat, I wear clothes I don’t care about messing up. I can often be found doing pull ups wearing bright yellow khaki pants and tie dye socks, praying I remain unnoticed in the shadows.
But when I walk by the front desk and staff of middle aged ladies, I let them bask in the glory, often shirtless, with one of the millions of small, smelly white gym towels that congregate in my car.
Admiration of body
It’s important to love your body no matter what shape, size, or smell it is. Obviously there is a lot for me to love about myself, but I think that even the strangest looking of us can dig deep and find something to admire.
But, damn, I’m good looking.
Diet
My eating habits are erratic. I go through periods where I eat restrictively for weeks and get into great shape before falling into binge-behavior and erasing my hard work.
I am at my most consistent when I keep a log of what I eat each day. This keeps me grounded and gives me a fuller picture of how my diet has been recently.
Sometimes the logs are filled with health foods, other times there are orders upon orders of fast food. Either way, it’s useful.
When I decide to let go and eat whatever I want, I can down thousands upon thousands of calories. I have no intention to become one, but I believe I have the potential to become a competitive eater.
A friend of mine said he would give me fifty dollars if I ate an entire apple pie during lunch. He said it as a joke, but it was no laughing matter to me. I ate the whole thing with time to spare, although I haven’t been able to eat apple pie since. I felt disgusting during my fifth period drama class, where I had to prance around on stage while my body struggled to digest almost four thousand calories worth of pie. The fifty in my venmo account made it more bearable however.
I’ve realized that doing these things publicly gives people the impression I eat like this on a daily basis. My friend Jayson, days after I ate the apple pie, asked me “When’s the last time you had a vegetable?” with a straight face — that’s when I knew that for the sake of my reputation, not to mention my physical health, I had to stop doing eating challenges.
Eating like a normal human being is rewarding in the long term, but boring in the moment. I can never eat a hamburger without deep down wanting a few more.
I really don’t want to be know as the kid who can eat a whole apple pie, but I would rather be known as that than not being known at all.
