we are new but we are like this

magnificent chaos as they said

“But for now Anders can still make time. Time for the shadows to lengthen on the grass, time for the tethered dog to bark at the flying ball, time for the boy in right field to smack his sweat-blackened mitt and softly chant ‘They is, they is, they is.’”

• Tobias Wolff, Bullet in the Brain

Friday, July 3rd. 8:54 pm. In the bathroom shirtless watching myself in the mirror.

I put three drops of Tiege Hanley anti aging serum on my face and wait the requisite ten seconds.

I look like the blue people in Avatar. Can’t remember their name. Tribe in the trees. Tree of Souls. The Na’vi. I look like a Na’vi princess. Echo of cackling viperwolves through the underbrush. I climb into my cocoon and fall asleep. Only hours until Independence Day.

I wake in the morning to three missed calls and a text.

“hey call me when you’re free”

I type out a reply, then throw my phone across the room before there’s a response. In my mind I am aware that this is “before”. Before what — I can’t say.