We Are Vegans Who Practice Ethical Sex with Farm Animals
By John Sandbach
As peace-loving hippies that run a small organic farm on Maui, we prefer to lead a quiet life. Rallying people to a political cause is not something we’d normally do.
However, as vegan libertarians, my wife and I are strongly opposed to two things: cruelty to animals and tyrannical government overreach. Currently, the State of Hawaii is circulating a bill that would legislate our private affairs by outlawing our sex life. This is unconscionable. While millions of animals are murdered and eaten every single day in this country, we are being painted as criminals for loving them in the most intimate of ways.
As staunch defenders of freedom and genuine animal love, we felt compelled to highlight this injustice by posting our thoughts to the Hawaii State House of Representatives Facebook page. To the same end, and to quell skeptics and give further credence to our cause, I’ve compiled and reposted a few Q&As below from our Quorum thread, from before it was shut down. (Censorship!! Last I checked, we do still have First Amendment rights!)
How do you justify your lifestyle?
As I write this, our three dogs, Oak Knot, The Pillar and Tennis Balls (we do not believe in tying animals’ genders to humanlike names) are quietly sleeping at our feet, worn out, their bellies full of organic macadamia nut butter. From our window, we can gaze upon our Shetland ponies, sheep and goats as they idly graze in the grass outside our window.
Let me assure you that these beautiful animals are well looked after. They have abundant food, warmth, shelter and love. Lots and lots of love. If you’d like to see some clips of how we love them, simply send me an encrypted message on WhatsApp.
As vegans, why do you own animals in the first place?
We don’t subscribe to the term “ownership.” Rather, our farm is an interconnected web where animals and humans are free to live out their lives, including their love lives and fetishes — all of which are captured in 4K high-resolution video. You can live-stream these videos through an encrypted browser once you sign up for our monthly subscription plan.
How have you acquired your animals?
Our friends have been liberated from farms where they were either oppressed or not being fully appreciated for their natural endowments.
Do you feed your dogs any meat?
Absolutely not. We feed them a special blend composed of stone-ground peanut butter, hemp hearts for protein, honey, coconut flakes and sawdust. However, we do recognize a canine’s biological urge to eat meat. Therefore, whenever our dog pack hunts down a farm animal and begins to eat them alive, we simply close the shutters and wear our noise-canceling headphones until nature has run its course.
Honey isn’t vegan. It’s exploiting bees.
Commercial beekeeping is not ethical. However, we enjoy a symbiotic relationship with our honeybees. Our fruit trees and flowers provide the bees with ample pollen, and since we believe in universal balance and the beauty of sharing, we feel we are entitled to a portion of the profits generated by our insect friends. Of course, as vegans, we always harvest our honey in a sustainable and harmless manner.
Before honey gathering, I remove my clothing and place the queen in a small box that is tethered to a chain around my neck. Over time, her pheromones attract a vast string of “bee beards” to my face, chest and groin area. While the hive is empty, my wife harvests a portion of the honey. (I happen to be deathly allergic to bee stings, which makes my masturbation sessions while wearing the bee beard exhilarating beyond belief.)
Bestiality is outlawed because animals don’t have a voice of their own.
You’ve obviously never heard a full-throated goatgasm of ecstasy before.
Isn’t bestiality cruel to animals?
We prefer to use the term “romantic interspecies relationships” rather than the loaded B-word. Also, we’d like to emphasize that our romantic liaisons are consensual. We never force, but rather coax our friends into mutually beautiful and gratifying encounters. In short, we’ve never fucked an alpaca that wasn’t totally into it.
Are you sure the animals aren’t hurt?
100% certain. We use generous amounts of lubrication made from co-op-harvested linseed, coconut and hemp oil. The oil comes in a handblown 3 oz. glass bottle, and retails for only $55. It may be available on weekends at the Hana Farmers Market; look for the farm stand that sells popcorn made with vegan coconut butter.
Can’t you, like, just fuck other people instead?
Probably not after posting this. However, the possibility of contracting a social disease is much lower with our animal friends than with other people, although we did have a moment of panic following a swine flu epidemic a few years ago.
Really? People can legally have sex with farm animals in Hawaii?
For now, yes, but our lifestyle is under threat. That’s why for a one-time fee, we are granting unlimited access to exclusive content you can’t find anywhere on the mainland. A portion of the funds will go to a lobbyist, if we can find one who agrees to take our case.
This is all just wrong. You guys are sick fuckers.
What’s wrong and sick is the killing and eating of animals, instead of loving them to death like we do.
