Come at me bitch

We Need a Detox From Praising Women on Our Appearance

I make it a point to never compliment a little girl on her looks. I’d never say anything like “You look cute today”, “cool shoes”, or “Listen sweetheart I know you’re 19 months old but those Pom-Bears are a one-way ticket to liposuction.” I’m sensitive like that! From a young age, we get tons of praise for our appearance from well-meaning, yet brainwashed adults who consistently celebrate little girls for their appearance and praise little boys for anything and everything else, from eating dirt to pissing without backsplash. It completely fucks us up, like early on. It doesn’t end in childhood, either. As adults, women are praised for how thin and young looking we manage to stay, while men get praised for everything from not being rapists to picking up their kids from school.

But then I thought, “Then why do we do this to grown women? Why wouldn’t I have the same respect for her ego that I have for a little girl’s?” I don’t want my close friends or any of the women around me to think that this is what I value about them. Because what I actually value is 1. the amount of snacks they have on their person at any given time and 2. their breast size.

There are tons of movements on social media that specifically highlight and celebrate womens’ bodies that don’t fit the stereotypical norm- like, they actually depict women who aren’t model-thin white women doing a downward dog in their mansion overlooking the beach as actual worthy humans. And don’t get me wrong- the fact that some people are taking the initiative to call out the fact that thin cis white women shouldn’t be the base standard of all beauty is important, because honestly, fuck that. These movements have, of course, now been massively co-opted by major corporations who bank on trends to make themselves look woke. (Which is probably also overall, a good thing. But let’s break it down anyhow.)

The Dove Real Bauty Campaign, for example, came in response to decades of advertising aimed at women that show an unrealistic standard of female bodies, such as every Victoria Secret ad ever- like this one, that showed 10 actual supermodels, all with the exact same body type in their late teens/early 20s, standing around in their underwear with the caption “A Body For Every Body”.

Which one do you look like?!

Here’s one of Dove’s ads from 2014:

Of course they’re diverse, ONE HAS A TATTOO

At first, you might be like, ok, this is cool. Women who aren’t model thin. But like… it’s still women standing round in their underwear, nearly naked waiting to have everyone verify that they’re beautiful to feel accepted and worthy in the world. Then you, as the consumer, are supposed to look at them and say “Oh, good, I identify more with these bodies, and therefore I now feel validated that my body qualifies as beautiful. Pass the Dove so I can slather it onto my Now Verifiably Shaggable body.”

If you still can’t see how ridiculous this is, imagine a bunch of men standing up their in different body types in their matching white underwear smiling, needing society’s approval on their bodies to sell soap. I can imagine it only done as a joke. It would be pretty funny, actually. Sketch idea? Possibly? Or… what’s that? It’s already been done, and not as a joke? F*** sake*

“ *Sob sob* This is all I’ve ever wanted in an underwear and/or soap ad”- You, a man

There’s an infamous scene in Peppa Pig where Peppa shames Daddy Pig for having a “fat tummy” and persuades him to go on a diet and do intense exercise. It’s all played for laughs. Daddy Pig be eating, LOL. Now of course, imagine that same scene being done about Mummy Pig’s fat tummy. That would be uncomfortable and offensive. But, why exactly would it be offensive? Let’s explore this.

I’m a comedian, and it’s the same at clubs when the host goes hard on audience members for their appearance. A bold one might go after a woman, but mostly it’s jokes on men. Their clothes, their bodies, etc. If you’re an ignorant asshole, you might say, “Well, this is because women are uptight and have no sense of humour about themselves and dudes are just super cool and chilled out.” That’s cute that you think that! Nope. It’s because shaming women on their looks is culturally unacceptable to do outloud, because we have all agreed as a society that a woman’s looks are her worth. By shaming a woman for her looks blatantly, you are cutting down her very value as a person. Even if that particular woman in the crowd isn’t bothered by it, you’ve made it awkward for the whole crowd and everyone will probably turn on you.

A true feminist

In his 2018 comedy special, Tamborine, Chris Rock quips “when a man meets someone new, his friends ask, ‘What does she look like?’ When a woman meets someone new, her friends ask, ‘What does he do?’ ” Only Chris Rock could do an entire bit about how women are judged for their looks and men are judged for their achievements, make that out to be a bad thing for men and still make me love his show.

Because I’m super productive and topical, I’d like to talk about the US inauguration of President Biden a couple months ago. During and afterwards, we were overwhelmed with tweets and comments on social media about Michelle Obama and the fucking amazing Poet Lauriate Amanda Gorman and all these wonderful women have achieved. Oh, wait a second. No. What we were actually overwhelmed with is photos and articles on how these women LOOKED.

The truth is, I also think Michelle Obama is gorgeous and has great style. But what I realised during the inauguration is, saying these things out loud feels icky to me. Then I thought, why? When I saw photo after photo of Michelle Obama in her purple head-to-toe suit with her gold belt and black hair flowing next to her husband, and all the captions reading “SHE IS GORGEOUS”, “STYLE ICON”, -

Ok, I’m sorry I need to interrupt myself to share that I just googled “Michelle Obama”- just her name- and the first 3 links that came up are:

“Michelle Obama’s Fawcett flick a nod to more fun times”
“Michelle Obama’s Tailor Shares the Styling Trick Behind the Former First Lady’s Inauguration Coat”
“Michelle Obama’s stylist reveals the story behind her ‘comfortable, confident’ Inauguration look”

Sigh. This woman is an attorney who went to Princeton and Harvard. She’s written two books and spearheaded loads of campaigns and done fucktons of charity work. She is the first ever black woman to be the first lady.** Michelle Obama’s influence will directly be related to the inevitable rise of the next generation of young, black women who will conquer the fuck out of America and the world because seeing a black woman be so powerful will make other black kids everywhere believe it’s possible.

I’m just gonna say it- the whole “style icon” stuff is masked as empowerment to women, but it really only furthers the narrative that our looks are our inherent value.

And before anyone starts talking about some bullshit equivalent to men, this is definitely not the same as when Justin Trudeau or other male politicians are joked about in memes for being hot. You don’t google Justin Trudeau and get loads of articles geared toward men about how they can gel their hair or buy a dick cream to be exactly like Justin. It’s specific to women. We’re so incredibly valued for our looks on such a deep fundamental level that many people still think it’s somehow evolutionary, or inevitable. I am telling you, it’s not. It’s societal. Do you know how many people make money off you caring about losing weight, having imperfect skin, teeth, hair, nails, etc?

Some experts have suggested that changing the language we use can rewire our brains. I wonder what would happen if we completely stopped complimenting women on how they look for like, 10 years. How would this affect us? Would we feel bad about ourselves, or would we care about other shit a bit more? Would we dress more for ourselves than for the Male Gaze?

If you’re into beauty or fashion from a perspective of valuing it as an expressive art form, that’s one thing. If you can truly say that if you woke up tomorrow and were the last person on planet earth and still went to the trouble of making yourself look like a diamond studded fashion icon for all the zombies that were trying to eat your brains, then that is FINE. More than fine. You do you. As long as you don’t fall into the inevitable trap of only dressing for the Zombie Gaze.

I’m so helpless come and get me you bad bad zombies

I know that I’m a cis white woman with thin privilege. I completely take the point that putting content out there of people who aren’t the culturally accepted “thin, white, cis” norm (whether it be an independent social movement or a huge corporation with questionable motives) can be very healing for a lot of women***. Maybe by implying we should do less of this, I’m skipping a step in a process of some people’s collective healing. But why are we all seeking this external validation in the first place? I’d argue that if your healing process is hinging completely upon external validation, it’s not going to take you far.

I just think… instead of (as well as?) expanding the parameters of what we find aesthetically gorgeous in women, how about we concentrate even harder on expanding the parameters of what we value in each other? Do you play an instrument? Can you do that thing where you stick your fingers in your mouth and whistle? Can you hulahoop while chugging a Tennant’s (for Americans: a Pabst (For Canadians: whatever beer is popular in America (for flies: shit (for Canadian flies: more nutrient dense shit because of free healthcare))))? How many languages can you say “do you sell a cream that can make my asshole stop feeling like ants are tap dancing on it” in? Are you teaching yourself to shoot ping pong balls out of your pussy? Gosh, if so much of our brains weren’t taken up worrying about how we look, what more could we achieve? I put this to you, women: International Ping Pong Ball Pussy Olympics, by 2030 or else feminism has failed.

By bigging up Michelle Obama for her clothes, it seems to me we’re implying that if she weren’t dressed stylistically, or didn’t fit a certain “look”, she wouldn’t hold the same value to us. What if she were larger? Or had loads of acne, or didn’t wear makeup? Or dressed in an ill-fitting moomoo dress a la Homer Simpson? Would we value her just as much? I’d like to think so, but honestly I think it still dies hard in our collective unconscious that women who conform to beauty and fashion standards are simply worth more than ones who don’t.

I’m also very aware that there may be another thinkpiece coming out directly after this one titled “Why Krystal Evans is Totally Wrong and Compliments On Looks Are Very Empowering and Really Nice So Fuck Her Right in Her Stupid American Face” That’s fair! Please feel free to write your own article. Don’t speak. I know just what you’re saying. So please stop explaining. Don’t tell me cause it hurts.****

Keeping us so focused on the way we look keeps us focused on that instead of focusing on things that matter and achieving things. It keeps us suppressed. Quiet. Obedient. Our pussies ping-pong ball free.

If you’re an asshole, you’re probably thinking “Well, some woman play up to this. This is what they bank on.” Well I mean, yeah. If society tells you that your value is in how you look, you’re going to be like “Cool. That’s my value. This is what I value in myself now, too. I’m just a girl in the world, etc”

Please understand. This is not the article that is saying you can’t compliment a woman on something to do with her appearance, ever. But maybe, just for a laugh, can we chill on reassuring each other constantly for how we look? And talking about how great some millionaire billionaire actress looks “for her age”? Can we pause, ever so slightly before we mention a woman’s outfit or makeup and maybe think “Is there something else I can acknowledge this woman for?” (Her tits don’t count).

And I know you’re thinking “Krystal. It’s not humanly possible for you to be funnier than you are right now. Please, take this pile of money and make a sketch show and take over the world” But I guarantee you that if I hadn’t been forced to think so much about my appearance, I would be at least 30% funnier than I am right now, as unimaginable as that is.

Well now that I’ve solved yet ANOTHER social issue for y’all, feel free to buy me a coffee so that I can jump start my tiny brain cells into solving more.

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*Why did I censor this fuck but not all the others in the article? I don’t need to explain myself.

**Her only misstep was that she did Carpool Karaoke with James Corben but I’m a forgiving person so I’m willing to overlook that.

***You love a fucking footnote, admit it

****I know what you’re sayin’
So please stop explainin’
Don’t speak, don’t speak
Don’t speak, no. ladidadidada. ladidadidaa. don’t don;t dont