Week in Review and It’s Not Even Friday
AIRLINES OFFER PASSENGERS A PRE-EMPTIVE PUNCH TO TOUGHEN THEM UP: U.S. domestic airlines have added a new feature to passenger service: a pre-emptive punch by a flight attendant trained in boxing. For a small extra fee, passengers may now elect to have a jab, a cross, a hook, or an uppercut as they board. “It calms them down,” said a pilot. “It’s harder to misbehave when you’re unconscious.” First-class passengers may also elect to be served a roundhouse kick by a karate master.
CAVIAR, CALLED ‘UNBORN STURGEON,’ TO BE ILLEGAL IN MISSISSIPPI IF ROE FALLS: The State of Mississippi is also considering a ban on consuming or destroying eggs of any kind, and are debating its potential effects on the poultry industry. Concerns center around a bible passage in Luke 11:12, that advises an eggs-for-scorpions trade deal. “We’re not sure if people can get used to eating scorpions,” said one legislator.
DEPP-HEARD TRIAL DECLARED THE MOST NORMAL THING HAPPENING IN AMERICA: A recent survey revealed that most Congressional Republicans are tuning out the trial’s daily testimony due to its failure to keep shocking them. “Shock and awe are what we run on to govern,” said a Representative who asked not to be identified due to not being authorized to actually govern. “Ordinary hallway conversations have mostly returned to thoughts and prayers for mass shootings.”
DR OZ BOOED AS TRUMP VOTERS DISCOVER HE’S NOT A WIZARD: Cries of disbelief echoed through the audience as Trump voters realized Dr Mehmet Oz is not an actual wizard as seen in the movies. “We all thought we were going to get ruby slippers and everything would be okay,” said one booer. “But instead of clicking our heels and watching the libs disappear, we got some TV guy who didn’t even have an Apprentice.” In related news, a Florida alligator has declared its candidacy for Congress. Its campaign has raised over two million dollars.
SOUTHERN BAPTISTS INVITE THEIR LEADERS TO A WEINER ROAST: Angry Southern Baptists threw grilled hot dogs at the limousine carrying their leaders, who could be heard loudly singing, “Well she was just seventeen, you know what I mean…” These Southern Baptist leaders asked their followers for patience and promised to release their secret database of abusers after scrubbing it of all but their thoughts and prayers.
MIKE LINDELL OFFERS TEXAS WOMEN A MY-PILLORY: The MyPillow billionaire has a special stocks deal for Texas women — an authentic personal wooden pillory that can be set up in the front yard. Should a woman feel guilt about anything — anything at all — she can have a male family member lock her into a MyPillory for casual stoning from passers-by, who are encouraged to chant, “Your body, our choice.”
PENTAGON UFO FOOTAGE HAS PEOPLE LINING UP TO BE ABDUCTED OFF EARTH: Aliens are in the news again, this time as saviors for people who are tired of waiting for the Rapture. “Enough is enough,” said evangelical activist Arnoldine Cramp, “We’ve been waiting like there’s no tomorrow. I just hope the aliens aren’t all judgy and stuff.”
TEXAS TO RENAME ITSELF THE “OK CORRAL.” There’s not much else to say when even the Governor and Attorney General are urging more Texans to buy guns.
