Weeping Endlessly and Masturbating Still to be Reserved for Sundays, Says Local Resident with No Future
Grant County, Wisconsin. Sources recently confirmed that 34-year-old Andrew Caufman, an assembly line worker at Pine Bark Industries, plans to spend an immeasurable amount of time masturbating and crying every Sunday before returning to the dead-end job that will eventually deplete his energy over the years and drain his will to keep living.
Reporters held a candid interview with Andy in his dilapidated apartment room last week, during which he accurately predicted that his next few weekends would involve massive alcohol consumption (and possibly some drug use) on Friday and Saturday nights before he finally resorts to breaking down in tears while stimulating himself to old, ‘torn off’ pages from 1980s Sears & Roebuck catalogues.
“It’s a typical pattern,” Caufman stated in a rather ‘Charles Bukowski-type’ style after revealing that he usually gets rejected by women when he goes out to bars and that nothing seems to prevent the ugly reality of his servitude-like, extremely pointless, and soul-draining job from entering the periphery of his blurred vision on Sunday mornings.
“God-Damnit!” he added, before scrambling to put away his recently purchased copy of the 1999 hit adult film, “Stop! My Ass Is On Fire! Part 2.”
Unable to accept the reality that he may have blown it years ago by dropping out of community college while his peers were cranking out extensive and lengthy reports at a nearby University, Andy sobbed, concluded that he would have to continually take matters into his own hand, and then got on his smart phone only to realize that “Stop! My Ass Is On Fire, Part 3” was also filmed in 1999.
